10 Things To Do if You Have Been Raped
Note: Child rape is the single worst crime facing our society today. Right now, 1 out of every 4 girls, and 1 out of every 6 boys is being sexually molested. These are the real facts. This crime is happening and it must stop.
If you find this article helpful for yourself or a loved one, then I ask you to please do your part to stop child rape. Go to The Center for Missing and Exploited Children and see how you can help.
This article is dedicated to all the children who are suffering in silence.
Surviving Rape
I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I am not saying that to gain your sympathy, nor am I trying to start a movement. I am saying it so that if you are a rape survivor and you are reading this article, you will understand that I know what you are going through. I have been there.
In this article, I will give you a list of 10 things that you can do if you have been raped. Some of them will help you in your recovery, some will help you gain justice, and some are just things that I have learned during my own recovery.
However, before I start, there is one thing that I need to say.
It wasn’t your fault.
Write that down and stick it on your wall. Shout it out loud while you are driving in your car. Say it to yourself every morning.
Because it’s true. No matter what you did, or how you acted, or what you wore, or where you were, being raped was not your fault. Never let anyone convince you that it was your fault. You are innocent.
Ten Things to Do if You Have Been Raped
This list is in no particular order. Take your time reading it. Some of the things that I suggest might seem impossible right now, so put them aside for later.
Also, I have written an shorter form of this list which you can print out. It contains some pointers and a few extra bits of advice.
1. Get Help
If you have been raped, the single best way that you can help yourself is to get professional help. Friends and family can only do so much. Rape is an extremely traumatic event, and you need a professional who is skilled in treating symptoms such as post-traumatic stress disorder. Even if you can’t make it to a therapist, please call your local rape crisis center. The number is in the front of the phone book. You can speak to them anonymously and they will do everything they can to help you. Don’t try to get through this alone.
2. Start Writing
Keeping a journal will save your sanity and possibly your life. Write everything down. Write down any flashbacks or body memories that you have. Write down how you feel. Write down what you want to say to your rapist. Get it all out. And don’t be afraid to destroy your writing. I burned a lot of the the journals that I wrote when I began my own recovery. You don’t need to hold on to any of the stuff you write, but get it written down. It will save you.
3. Treat Yourself
Rape makes you feel like the lowest form of dirt on the planet. You need to find a way to shake off those feelings of worthlessness and be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself, and try to do something that helps you relax and take your mind off the rape and your recovery for a while. Go for a massage, or a long walk. Watch a movie. You’ve been through a lot and you deserve to be treated well. Whatever it takes, try to find something that makes you feel good about yourself.
4. Join a Group
This is not something that you have to do right away, but at some point you might want to consider joining a support group. It really helps to talk to other survivors, especially because you will realize that they are going through a lot of the same things that you are.
There are plenty of “real life” support groups out there, and your therapist or your local rape center can recommend some. However, if you are nervous about meeting people in person, there are also a few online support groups where you can talk to other rape survivors while remaining anonymous. One site that I have used is Malesurvivor. Another good online community is Pandora’s Aquarium, which is mainly for female survivors, although they also welcome male survivors. Both communities allow members to remain anonymous, and they both have very strong security measures in place to ensure the safety of their members and the community.
5. Get the Anger Out
Rape activist Angela Shelton has a great stage show she does where she invites survivors from her audience to come up on stage and beat the crap out of a chair with a baseball bat. The results are amazing (see for yourself at her site Angela Shelton).
When my first flashbacks came, I was raging. I was absolutely furious at what had been done to me. 20 years of pent-up emotion came pouring out in one red-hot torrent of anger. I needed to get that out. So I jumped into my swimming pool, went under the water, and shouted at the top of my voice. I punched and kicked the water. And I stayed in my pool (coming up for air, of course) until the anger was all out of me.
You need to get that anger out. It may still feel buried, but it is there. You’ve got to get it out before it destroys you or the people around you. Find a release. Beat up a chair, or shout names at your rapist, or go for a long run. Do whatever it takes, but find a safe outlet for that rage before it overwhelms you.
6. Start Reading
Recovering from rape is a long and painful process, so you will need all the help and information that you can get. This means that you have a lot of reading to do. Your therapist will give you some reading materials, but here are some resources that worked for me:
Reclaim Your Self is a great article written by Bill Davidson, who has been working with sexual assault victims in British Columbia for 27 years. Reclaim Your Self is the first article I read about rape, and in my opinion it is still the best one out there.
Marcella Chester at Abyss2Hope writes one of the best blogs on sexual assault out there. She is a survivor herself, and she has a ton of great articles and resources for survivors.
My friend Ken Singer, who is a therapist specializing in childhood sexual abuse, has written a great article on choosing therapists who specialize in sexual assault.
7. Go to the Police
This is a toughie. Rape is a very serious crime, and rapists should be brought to justice. However, speaking to the police can be very traumatic. As someone who has reported his rape to the police, I have a few pointers for you, if you are considering this route.
Trust the Police
Police departments are aware of the trauma of rape, and they want to help you bring your rapist to justice. It may be difficult at first, but it is important to build a trust relationship with the detective who will be working on your case. To that end, don’t be afraid to ask questions or let the police know if you are uncomfortable. They want to help you, so they will try to make the reporting process as painless as possible.
Understand that the Police Have to Do Their Job
Cross examination of rape survivors in court is brutal. Defence lawyers are there to defend their clients, so they will be looking for anything that they can use to discredit the victim’s testimony. This doesn’t make them evil people. They are only doing what their job requires.
Because of this, however, the police will need to question you. They may ask questions that seem invasive, and they will ask you several times to repeat certain key details. This is not because they want to abuse you, but because they need to be absolutely sure that they have the real facts about your rape before they proceed with an investigation or with charges. If you find yourself getting stressed out by their questioning, remember that you are the victim and that you can stop the questioning at any time.
Ownership
I know a few survivors who have gone to the police, and one thing that they all say about the experience is how “out of the picture” they felt after they made their police report. If you do file a complaint, you will notice the same thing. The police will thank you, you will go home, and you may never hear another thing.
This is normal. Once you file a criminal complaint, you “give up” the responsibility for bringing your rapist to justice to the police. Although they will do their best to keep you informed of developments, they will probably proceed with their investigation without your involvement. This can be a very liberating experience, or you can feel a terrifying loss of control. Remember that when you go to the police, you are turning the crime over to them. If this makes you uncomfortable, then it is a good idea to speak to the police before you make your statement (I went in 2 times to speak with them before I filed my actual complaint).
Nothing May Happen
You might go to the police, and they might decide to press charges and your rapist goes to court, and then…he might go free. This happens. The justice system is not perfect, and sometimes it fails to punish criminals. Sometimes it assigns a sentence that seems inadequate to the victim.
The only thing I can recommend is to talk to the police before you do anything. They will do their best to help you understand how the system works, and they will help you set your expectations regarding the court system.
However, the thing to remember is that once you go to the police, what happens to your rapist is out of your hands.
8. Find Sanctuary
Healing from rape is a painful process, and you will need to have a sanctuary; a safe place where you can go when the pain gets really bad. Choose a place where you are surrounded by people who you can trust, and where you know that you will be safe. I used to go to the beach and sit on a bench looking out over the water. Other people go hiking, or go to their church, or even built themselves a little sanctuary at home.
Stay in your sanctuary as long as you need to, but be careful that you don’t start hiding there. Your sanctuary is a place for healing, not a place to escape your recovery.
9. It’s Not Your Fault
This is so important that I want to repeat it. Being raped is not your fault. During your recovery, you will find yourself slipping into self-blame. Always remember that it was not your fault. Again, write this down in big red letters. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
10. Regain Your Freedom
Rape is a form of mental slavery. Even though you can’t feel them, your rapist bound you in chains of the mind. If you let them, your shame, anger and fear will eventually take control of your life, and your rapist will have won. The number 1 goal of your recovery should be to gain freedom from these emotions, and, in so doing, to gain freedom from your rape.
Set goals for your recovery. Be generous to yourself. If one of your goals is to regain your happiness, then write that down as a goal. If one of your goals is to be able to walk down your street at night, write it down. Write down anything that you dream of doing, that you would be doing if you were not recovering from rape.
Then, with your friends, or with your therapist, or even on your own, begin to plan how you will achieve those goals. Steve Pavlina at www.stevepavlina.com has a great article on how to set and reach your goals.
It is very important to have goals. They will be the guiding lights that will get you through the dark times ahead in your recovery.
Finally, when you achieve one of your goals, remember to celebrate!
Final Words
I hope that this article helps you with your recovery. Rape is a terrible crime to overcome, but recovery is possible, and you can regain your life and freedom. The trick is to be good to yourself and to be patient. Recovery takes time, and there will be times when you feel like you are making no progress. There will be times when the pain is almost unbearable, and when you feel so absolutely and utterly alone that you can do nothing but cry. I have been there, and if you are there now, I have a message for you:
There is hope. It might not seem that way right now, but there are people who want to help you. You can get through this, and we will help you.
And,
It wasn’t your fault.
Life Mental Health Personal Growth PTSD
Deb responds:
Posted: March 12th, 2007 at 11:27 pm →
Two comments:
1) These work even if the event is not remembered for decades.
2) Deciding to involve the justice system is a process that is easier (relative term because talking to authorities, especially a person wearing a uniform, is never easy) if the person has speculated about being a future victim of a crime (not just rape) and built into their pre-planning that talking to law enforcement personnel is a possibility.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: March 13th, 2007 at 3:54 pm →
Deb,
1) They all worked for me, 21 years later.
2) One of the things that made it easier for me to go to the police was that my parents always made a point of pointing out police officers and telling me that “if I ever needed help, the police will help you.” So for me, going to the police was the natural choice.
Also, I was also lucky enough that I had a very gifted and understanding detective on my case. I think that the police in general have greatly improved their treatment of rape cases and rape victims. There was not one time during the entire experience that I felt I was not being taken seriously, or that the police didn’t care about my well-being.
Heli Arrieta responds:
Posted: August 19th, 2007 at 10:15 pm →
Hi. My girlfriend, is a survivor, she got rape by her grantfather, this is the most traumatic event that I being expouse to, she has sufer alot, Im constantly trying to help her.
I just whant to say that this article give me good information about the case, THANK YOU.
thomas responds:
Posted: July 28th, 2008 at 12:37 pm →
i have been raped i am only 13 i got raped by a bully if i dont do what he says the bullying gets worse i dont know what to do as i am finding it really hard to tell my mum it hasnt just happened once either
Naomi responds:
Posted: September 25th, 2008 at 3:19 pm →
This article was so useful
i never thought about writing a letter
ive just done one to the rapist
i know he will never see it
but atleast i have got to release all my feelings
zedah responds:
Posted: December 5th, 2008 at 3:53 am →
I think your blog is great and so true. I have been a victim a long time ago. Your doing a good thing.
SIDRA responds:
Posted: January 21st, 2009 at 7:23 am →
I work for Rape Survivors since last 5 years. I meet them at their home as I got information of this brutal incident. It would be good if we have a eye on our all relations either they are respectful or older. Check and balance should exists in all houses. Somethimes diffrent routine of work and surprise visit at home for working parents can provide some information about the atmosphere of house.
If anyone being raped or sodomised; Keep those clothes in seprate clean bag.
Visit your closest Police Station and allow them for your Medcio-Legal examination and get the report of that Medico-Legal Certificate that is called (MLC)
You can ask for police protection any shelter to fight with all that reality.
Remember in all this shameful act you are not responsible alone and culprit should taste the jail.
BARRSHREEVES responds:
Posted: February 18th, 2009 at 9:25 pm →
THANKYOU FOR COMMENT ALONE DARK CRYING I DO THAT TO THIS SIGHT GAVE ME FRESH HOPE NORMAL LIFE SOMEDAY WITH LOYAL FREINDS AND LOVES AROUND ME THAT CARE MY BEST INTEREST
princess responds:
Posted: April 13th, 2009 at 12:16 pm →
i was wondering if i can tell my story on here cause i needed to let it out and let people know that they are not allone.
Person responds:
Posted: May 5th, 2009 at 11:34 am →
My friend was raped…. But I think he did more then rape her…she’s freaked and is in the hosptial! But she also won’t tell the doctors the full story…
Brooke Gejoff responds:
Posted: May 18th, 2009 at 11:29 pm →
I’m fifteen years old and friday is the year mark of me being raped im starting to have alot of flashbacks
it’s terrifiying, numbing, hard, sad, and hopeless
its eating at at me from the inside out
im not quite sure what to do anymore
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: May 19th, 2009 at 5:51 am →
Hi Brooke,
Thanks for writing.
I hear you. I’ve been there and I want you to know that you’re not alone.
Scott
joey responds:
Posted: May 29th, 2009 at 2:16 pm →
omgomgomg, i needed an article for a school assignment I’m doing on this book “sketches” by Eric Walters. The main character Dana is a rape victim, this was really beneficial to my assignment, thanks.
Sarah responds:
Posted: May 31st, 2009 at 8:39 pm →
Last night, my friend picked me up from a 21st i was ttotally out of, i had alot to drink so he took me back to his house he undressed me and put me in a tshirt and left me with that and my underwear, now he started kissing me which i remeber case i was drifting in and out of sleep now i know i should have said something. After this he put his hands down my underwear , now i wasnt fully raped but i have been before, After his hands were down my underwear i woke up hearing him saying “suck my d**k” while he forced his penis in my mouth and came now after this i woke up immediatley i didnt want him to know i knew what he done so i asked for a drink i gathered my clothes and wasnt going to go out his wondow but i wouldnt have had time. So i then got dressed and said i hasd no signall and went out to his garden to call my mum but she didnt answer so i called me friend and asked for help the next thing i know my friend was standing next to me saying what the fuck do you need help for and he drove me home afetr this we had an argument as i got out the car, he said i took my underwear off and his i cant remeber this but im scaredf its true because if it is then it was MY fault that happpened it was basically an invitation although i he tld me that i done this after he had his hands down my underwear so it wasnt fully my fault. Im just really confused as to if it was my fault? I dontknow what to do with myself. I told my best friend and i hadnt heard from her today so i am starting to get very paranoid about everything else. My world is falling apart. Can anyone help?
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: June 6th, 2009 at 1:02 pm →
Hi Sarah,
Thanks for writing.
It wasn’t your fault.
Is there anyone else you can call for help? Do you have a sexual assault center in your community? It is very important that you find someone who you trust that you can talk to about this.
Take care,
Scott
Kimberly responds:
Posted: June 22nd, 2009 at 11:24 pm →
This article helped me SO MUCH. I met him at work when I went through training in July. At the time, I didn’t have a car. He seemed really nice, in fact it seemed too good to be true since my boyfriend at the time was obsesssed with Call of Duty 4 and didn’t think to pay much attention to me. Anyway, one night we were hanging out at his friend’s house whose parents were on vacation. It got really late and I had fallen asleep. I woke up to him taking my clothes off. I think that he might have slipped me something, because I don’t remember a whole lot of that night, I just remember waking up the next morning terrified that I’d have to see him at work the next day. He still took me home after that. He raped me again and again, day after day. I knew that something had to give. I felt like I couldn’t go behind my boyfriend’s back having sex with some other guy, whether it was consentual or not. My rapist made me feel like I was so helpless to right my situation, that I actually approached my boyfriend and told him that I thought we needed to break up. He never actually let me go through with it because I could never come up with a reason for my intentions. He said that if I wanted to take a break from our relationship, that I needed have a really good reason. I couldn’t bring myself to lie to him, but I also couldn’t tell him about what had happened to me then, and what would continue to happen to me for a couple months. I endured it losing every sense of identity that I had. I became almost like a robot. Everyday thoughts were too much to bear, so I just lived my day to day life without thinking, just going through my routine. Luckily for myself, my rapist ended up leaving the company that I worked for. After that, all that I had to deal with was occasional emails from him as well as text messages. He would send me pictures of his… erm… I’ll just call it the weapon that he’d used against me. It was horrifying. As soon as I started having good days and starting to actually feel and live again, he would destroy my world again. I started avoiding checking my email and then cancelled that email entirely. He sitll had my number though. I got another hateful picture from him when I was at work and I ran to the bathroom. There was a lady that bumped into me when I was leaving the stall that I was hiding in and my phone slipped out of my hand and plopped into the toilet, completely frying my phone. This was my first point of true liberation. I realized that there was only so much that ignoring emails was going to do for me. I had to sever all ties, remove every method of communication he had with me. I went to T-Mobile, signed a contract and had a new phone, a new number, and a new life. By this time it was October, so you can understand how long I’d had to survive his assaults on my sanity. My road to recovery was still rocky after that. Even the mention of someone else with his last name would bring the aweful memories of what I had gone through back to the surface of my consciousness. My boyfriend didn’t notice much of a change, because he was still immersed in his digital world of guns, blood, guts, and gore, so I thought that I would never have to tell him. At the time it seemed like that would be ideal. It slowly got better though. However, once February came around, I ran into another guy that thought that he would try to force things on me. I felt hatred, terror, panic, and I lashed out at him. When he went for the zipper on my pants, I slammed my fist into his nose as hard that I’m pretty sure I broke it. I then contacted his brother and demanded that he take me home. It was even more liberating than getting my new phone. I had stood up to someone who had the intentions to violate me in a way that I had agonizing through. However, I was still rattled that it had almost happened to me AGAIN. I felt like nowhere was safe. I went back through recovery, or what I thought was recovery. I was really only just burying my pain within my consciousness. Luckily, I had the courage to step up and tell my boyfriend that it was either Call of Duty 4 or me. He still didn’t know about it though… Months passed. One night when I slept over at his parents house I had a nightmare where he had cheated on me with someone else. I knew he would never do something like that. I mean, he sleeps on a crappy air mattress in the living room while I sleep on his nice comfy bed whenever I sleep over. Anyways, I couldn’t manage to be upset with him in my nightmare because I felt like I’d been unfaithful to him… I went up to the bathroom in hysterics. I realized then, that whenever I was trying to escape what had become my reality, I would scurry to the bathroom where there’s always a lock on the door and nobody could see my shame. I couldn’t take it anymore! I went back downstairs. I needed to stop hiding from my problems. I stood at the bottom of the stairs watching him, deliberating what I would do. While I sat there, paralyzed with indesicion, he stirred and woke up. He asked me what I was doing and I couldn’t choke out anything except, “I… I went to the… to the bathroom…” He knew as well as I did that there was more to it than that, so he asked me to tell him what was wrong. I started bawling and I told him all about what had been done to me. He didn’t call me names, he didn’t accuse me for being unfaithful, he didn’t get up and storm out of the room, or any of the other things that I had thought he would do. He held me close and I fell back asleep in his arms, feeling more free of guilt than I had been in a long time. Now it’s been almost two years after the first time I was tainted. I know that I was not a small child when this happened to me, but it was still extremely traumatic. I am still recovering, only now I’ve started on a healthy path to that destination. Sorry for the novel, but now that I’m finally able to apply words to my emotions, it feels really good to let them out. One of my goals is to cover the walls of my rooms with phrases like, “Never Give Up” and “It’s not my fault” and ” Hope can be found even in the darkest corners”. Oh yeah, and I intend on going to buy a chair this weekend from Wal-Mart and destroying it.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: June 23rd, 2009 at 5:39 am →
Kimberley,
Thanks for writing and sharing your story. I’m glad to hear that you are beginning your recovery.
Good luck with the chair!
Scott