Four Dangerous Myths About Suicide and How to Avoid Them
I’m frustrated by the way that our society handles suicide. On one hand, people who commit suicide, or who even think of suicide, are condemned as evil, selfish cowards, and on the other hand, we know and accept that suicide and suicidal thoughts are common symptoms of many mental illnesses.
This creates a conflict for anyone who suffers from a condition like depression, and who is troubled by suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts are a big warning sign that there is something wrong, yet even though we know that these thoughts have a medical cause, there is such a culture of shame and fear around suicide that most sufferers would rather keep silent and refuse treatment rather than ask for help.
Suicide is an act of desperation. People who commit suicide do so because they have given up on the hope that they will ever feel better. And by clinging to outdated myths and unfair notions about suicide, we as a society are failing to help these people. Each person who commits suicide is a loss for us all.
There are four myths about suicide that I think are the most dangerous. In this article, I will show you why I think that these myths are untrue, and I will give you my own opinion on what you can do if you find yourself caught by them.
Myth 1: “If I am Thinking of Killing Myself, I am a Coward and/or I am Weak”
This is just not true. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a belief. They are caused by beliefs or by conditions like depression. If you have these thoughts, you are most definitely not a coward, and you are not weak.
Let me explain this a bit. One of the things that depression does to us is it messes with our perceptions and emotions. This leads us to make wrong assumptions about ourselves and our lives. When depression gets REALLY bad; when you are lost in that deep black pit of loneliness and despair, it can really seem like the only way out is to end it all. And because you feel so helpless, you feel like a coward for wanting to escape.
The thing to understand is that those thoughts are being caused by depression. This can be hard to accept, especially when you are thinking of suicide, but here is a little trick that you can try if you are feeling suicidal:
First, grab a pen, and then write down 3 things that you like about yourself.
Yes, this sounds totally hokey. But it’s not BS. Try writing 3 things. It doesn’t matter what they are. Maybe you like the color of your eyes. Maybe you make the best scrambled eggs in the world. It doesn’t matter what you write, just put down 3 things.
Once you have done that, write, “I can’t kill myself, because:” above it. Again, this is really dorky, but write it down. The worst thing that can happen is that you’ll get a chance to laugh at me for coming up with such a lame idea.
Then, read what you have written. Most people, when you ask them, are able to write at least 3 things about themselves that they like, and what is really surprising is that they usually write 3 things that are very important to themselves. So when you read your list of 3 things, how do you feel? Do you feel even a little bit happy? If so, then you have seen through your depression to your true self. If not, then you need to write 3 more things and keep trying until you find 3 that make you happy.
Once you have done that, cling to that happiness. That’s your true self talking. That happiness had to come from somewhere, so try to find out where it came from. When you do, I think that you will find the hope and strength to carry on with your recovery.
Myth 2: “I am Evil For Thinking About Suicide”
Ugh. This one. I’m not going to go into the Bible’s teachings on suicide and how badly our religious leaders have messed them up, but here’s my opinion on it:
If you think of killing yourself, you are not evil. You won’t go to hell, angels won’t punish you, and God won’t hate you.
I don’t know where this myth came from, but it’s particularly dangerous. It causes all kinds of problems. If you are thinking of suicide, you aren’t evil. If you tell someone that you are thinking of suicide, and they call you evil, that doesn’t make you evil either.
An evil person is someone who intentionally hurts other people. If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is a sign that you are frustrated and desperate. Maybe your life is at a standstill, or maybe the pain is so big that you just want to escape. Whatever the case, those thoughts are an absolutely normal response to your pain and frustration. They are not evil. You are not hurting anyone with your thoughts.
However, if you are having suicidal thoughts, it is time to get help. Usually these thoughts mean that you are almost out of resources and now it is time to ask someone else to help you with your burden. They don’t mean that you are a bad person, it just means that you are normal.
Myth 3: “I Think About Suicide Because I Hate Myself”
Ok, this is a tough one. Depression is all about self-hate. And if you are reading this and you are depressed, then there is probably not much that I’m going to be able to say that will convince you that you don’t actually hate yourself.
But that doesn’t mean that I won’t try. 
If you are depressed and suicidal, and you are reading this right now, I can say this,
I have been there, and I know how you feel.
You might not believe me right now, but I have been down there, and I sure know how it feels to hate myself and want to end it.
All I can say is that self-hate is an illusion that is being caused by your depression. You can try my trick from Myth 1, and write down 3 things that you like about yourself, or you can call your therapist. Try something. Try anything, except suicide. It’s not the answer, and it won’t provide you with an escape.
Myth 4: “If People Find Out That I am/was Suicidal, They Will Hate Me”
Ah, don’t we all love to judge each other! There is a certain type of person who lives for the chance to judge others, and they seem to be particularly attracted to people who admit that they were suicidal. Tell them that you were suicidal, and the labels come right out: “coward,” “weakling,” “can’t cope,” “crazy.”
It’s no wonder that most people who have thought of suicide never speak of it. One negative reaction can send you spiralling right back into depression. Also, once you are labelled “suicidal,” some people will continue to label you that for the rest of your life. So instead of taking that risk, most of us remain silent.
However, that does not mean that everyone will hate you if you tell them that you have had suicidal thoughts. Most people react negatively to suicide because they don’t know much about it and it frightens them. Because they are afraid, they project their fear onto you. Remember that no matter what people say, you are not wrong if you have thoughts of suicide.
If you do decide to talk to someone else about your feelings, I suggest starting with someone who is familiar with suicide, such as a therapist or a suicide hotline. Suicide support groups are also a good place to go and discuss your feelings. By talking about your feelings with someone that you trust, and who understands suicide, you will notice that the suicidal thoughts become less scary.
If you do speak to your friends or your family and they respond badly, remember that they are probably responding to their own fears about suicide. That doesn’t make it right for them to say negative things about you, but it will be easier for you to deal with the negative comments if you understand the fears behind them. It isn’t your responsibility to make them understand how you feel, nor is it your responsibility to change their incorrect beliefs about suicide.
The Power of Truth
If you are suicidal, I truly feel for you. I have been there myself, and it’s a dark, terrible, place to be. Please take care of yourself, and please try to understand that you are not wrong, or evil, or a coward for having these feelings.
There are places to get help. The best one is Suicide: Read This First. If you are feeling suicidal, head on over there and read what they have to say.
And talk to someone. One myth that happens to be true about suicide is that it’s a cry for help. If you are having these thoughts, your mind is telling you that you need someone to help you. Try Suicide: Read This First, or grab your phone book and look up your local crisis center. There are people who will understand how you feel, and they won’t judge you. They want you to call them because they want to help you.
Take care.
Depression Life
David Airey :: Creative Design :: responds:
Posted: March 21st, 2007 at 6:23 pm →
Hi Scott,
I arrived here having followed a comment you left on Wendy’s eMom blog.
Just thought I’d compliment you on your clean blog design. Very easy to read.
Ciao for now!
David
Eve responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2007 at 7:34 am →
Thank you for this. I can remember my first suicidal thoughts from the time I was nine. I don’t have those thoughts now, and haven’t for about seven years. I used a similar strategy to get me through my teen years. I always thought that something that I was looking forward to might make me feel better. I never did admit to feeling that way.
I think another dangerous myth is that psychiatry always works. It has for my husband, it made me worse. He is on about a half-dozen meds to keep him functioning. My stepmonster had me hospitalized for 3 1/2 months when I was 15 because she was convinced that I had been molested (not true). I came out of that a completely different person and more suicidal. I turned from quiet and easy to get along with, eager to please, I turned into a stereotypical rebellious teenager. What helped me was a friend who taught me to think for myself and take active control of my own life. Different things work for different people. Conventional therapy works for some, medications work for some, but some may need something completely different.
OK, TMI, sorry. Your post just really touched me.
Tisha responds:
Posted: March 31st, 2007 at 5:17 pm →
Love your template!
I absolutely agree with everything you said. A friend of mine hung himself 11 years ago at 23 and he didn’t feel comfortable sharing his anxieties with any of us and that stigma is probably what made him give up. Men often don’t feel comfortable sharing their feelings and that as well to me is a travesty and I just wish that we would stop putting those thoughts in our youth’s minds.
In appreciation
Tisha
Fake Name responds:
Posted: April 3rd, 2007 at 12:04 am →
OK. I’m not trying to make enemies. On the same line I’m not trying to make friends. I am a logical thinker. I have a bone disease that…well it hurts. I am not a cripple and if there are any replies to this I don’t want to read “I feel for you” or “I am sorry” or any sympathy. For all you know I’m an evil person that you would hate. I’m not saying I am. I’m just pointing out that I could be a member of the KKK. And if you say you wouldn’t wish death upon anyone I think there are a lot of Jewish people or battered women or abused kids that would be more than a little upset.
I understand that depression is a mental disease, I understand that there are things in the world that should be seen or experienced or that there are people who love me but isn’t this decision about me? All the medicine I’m on is destroying my liver so I’m actually doing suicide by lay-away and if I go off the medicine the pain is so horrible I wish for death. So my little ray’s of sunshine, my friend who “have been there” (do not take this as sarcasm it is not) brighten me up. Really I’m not being mean. Like I said I am a logical thinker so honestly if you can show me, explain to me what I’m doing wrong……………
Even if this doesn’t pass the moderator I feel better just letting it out so thanks for that.
James responds:
Posted: April 3rd, 2007 at 9:31 am →
Very nicely put. Having lost friends to both drugs (and I don’t mean pot and mushrooms) and to suicide, and while it is a desperate act, it (except in the case of drugs) takes incredible balls to actually do it. Thankfully I am not so ballsy about it.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: April 3rd, 2007 at 9:37 am →
Fake name,
I have no problems with your comment, so I have included it. Thank you very much for writing and I think you add a very good perspective on this issue.
I really feel for people in your situation, and to be perfectly honest, if I was in severe chronic pain, I don’t know how I would think of suicide.
There was a famous case in British Columbia a few years ago where a woman who suffered from ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) opted for an assisted suicide. There were huge debates about whether what she was doing was ethical.
I have a living will, so I would be a hypocrite if I said suicide was wrong. I don’t want to be kept alive by machines and place a burden on my family and friends. Therefore, I refuse to pass judgement on anyone else who makes the decision to end their life.
I can’t tell you if you are doing something wrong. I know that my thinking was distorted when I was depressed, so I know that the suicidal thoughts that I was having were not how I really felt about myself. That doesn’t mean that my case applies to everyone. I guess what I’m saying is we all need to find our own peace. I am trying to help those who are troubled by suicidal thoughts and who need to hear a positive message from someone else who had those same thoughts. In cases like yours, I’m not sure that I have the right to say anything at all other than I feel for you. (sorry, had to stick that in there
)
Scott
Manoj responds:
Posted: May 21st, 2007 at 4:09 am →
Hi,
You have done a great job of demysityfing the serious and compicated issue of counselling a suicidal person. I really liked your way of asking to write 3 things the person likes most. Most person will have 1-2 reasons to die but many reasons to live. I just counselled a person the way you wrote and will wait for the results. I got a promise the person will not take any drastic steps and cope with the problem.
Thanks and will give a feedback.
manoj
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: May 21st, 2007 at 3:30 pm →
Manoj,
Thank you for writing and I am glad that you found the article helpful. I agree. Sometimes the pain that is caused from one issue can make it seem like there is no other option than suicide, even though there may be many other reasons why you should go on living.
My best to you and your friend and please do keep me posted.
Scott
Shel responds:
Posted: August 15th, 2007 at 6:01 am →
While I really liked much of what you said, I really hate seeing the old “write what you like about yourself” tip for people dealing with suicidal thoughts. It pains me to my soul because it sets up this dynamic of making a person feel worse if they are unable to think of three things, as is often the case when tremendously suicidal. I think I might be bitter because this was the kind of crap my husband got told over and over and over and then well he killed himself. Now people tell me to write the good in my life, and honestly, there isn’t any, and it feels cheap and foolish. Only a person with a really bad memory for what being suicidal is like would suggest it. Even bad therapists know better than to go there.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: August 15th, 2007 at 6:48 pm →
Shel,
First of all, I want to say that I am really sorry to hear about your husband. You will be in my prayers.
I appreciate your comments. Anything that I share on my site is drawn from my own experiences, and writing out my positive thoughts worked for me when I was suicidal. However, I can think of at least one friend for whom it would be disastrous if they tried to write out their positive thoughts, so I take your point. It doesn’t work for everyone.
I’m glad you liked the rest of the article and I hope you are able to take something positive away from it.
Scott
Emma-Jane Ainslie responds:
Posted: May 9th, 2008 at 8:11 am →
Nothing can explain that drop of emotion you get just before you make an attempt on your own life. Nobody who has not been through it can understand, but somehow we need to try and help them understand.
I have been through this 4 times and all I think really is ‘my poor mother’. It has never helped me as I am then plagued with guilt for doing it and end up falling into a deeper pit then ever.
I was offered counselling ONCE and I opened up, but was then betrayed by my counsellor so have learnt to be my own counsellor of sorts.
There are no right feelings or wrong feelings that lead you to a suicide attempt - it is too personal for that.
I must say, I am very troubled that the 80’s trend of teen suicides seems to be rearing its very ugly head again. Emotion doesn’t always come into it. I WISH this would be looked into further - somehow.