Disclosure Series Part 4: How to Tell Someone Else About Your Mental Illness
Talking about your mental illness is challenging, and what you say is only slightly less important than how you say it. Most people know very little about mental illness, and what they do know can be biased by myths and misconceptions. This can be a challenge if you are going to tell someone about your own mental illness. Not only do you have to overcome your own fears of disclosure, but you also need to overcome the other person’s possible lack of understanding about mental illness.
Your disclosure may be one of the most important conversations of your life, so knowing what to say is very important. In this article I will talk about a few of the things that worked for me, and I’ll share some of my own advice and thoughts on how you can talk to someone else about your mental illness.
There are four important elements to consider when you are speaking about your mental illness. They are: your emotions, sharing information, protecting yourself, and getting support.
Your Emotions
Talking about your mental illness is very emotional. The first time I told anyone about my depression, I was scared to death. Fortunately, the person who I told was very supportive, so she helped me with my fears, and afterwards I felt pretty good about the situation.
When you disclose, you may have some emotional goals in mind. Disclosure can bring all kinds of different emotional benefits, from validation of your feelings, to love and empathy from the other person. Also, disclosing can bring a huge emotional release for both of you, because you have gotten your fears out in the open. This can be especially true when you are disclosing to someone very close to you who has been worried about your health.
Try to write some of these goals down and think about them for a while. How will you feel if the other person responds positively and supportively to you? What can you say to them that will express your emotions in a clear and honest way?
Also, keep in mind that the actual “telling” part will be very emotional for both of you. You’ll both probably do a lot of crying (we did) and a lot of laughing (we did). The other person will be very emotional as well, so remember that they will need to vent their emotions. If that happens, try to remain calm if they start to get upset. Nobody likes hearing painful news, and your disclosure might cause them some pain, especially if they are close to you.
And remember that disclosure can be a good thing! Even though it might be painful, and you might share a lot of tears with the other person, it’s good to get things out in the open. Be on your guard emotionally, be prepared, and bring lots of Kleenex. 
Sharing Information
Because most people know very little about mental illness, you may find that you need to explain certain details about your condition such as your diagnosis, how the condition will affect you, and what kind of treatments you are undergoing. You might also want to tell the other person why you are disclosing to them.
There are 2 rules to follow for sharing this information. The first is to be honest. If you have severe depression, tell them you have severe depression. Don’t sugar-coat it to protect them (or yourself). It is much better to be as up front as possible with your situation so the other person can react appropriately. Being honest helps you avoid having to explain everything if your situation changes later. It doesn’t mean that you need to tell the other person everything, but you should be honest about the details that you do reveal.
The second rule is to keep everything on a need-to-know basis. You decide what facts you are going to share with the other person, and which ones you are going to keep to yourself. The other person doesn’t need to know every detail, so if you are uncomfortable talking about certain things, then don’t talk about them. For example, your boss doesn’t need to know the details of your diagnosis, they just need to know the details of how it’s going to affect your work.
Protecting Yourself
You will be very vulnerable when you are telling the other person about your mental illness, so it’s a good idea to take some steps to protect yourself. There are two main things to keep in mind when you do this: 1) protect your self-esteem, and 2) protect your well-being.
Protecting Your Self-Esteem
Because you will be vulnerable while you are disclosing, you might find yourself at risk of compromising your self-esteem. For example, if the other person responds badly, you might be tempted to apologize for hurting them, or you might even want to blame them for not understanding or loving you. In the long run, either action will end up hurting you. Self-blame only causes you you become more depressed, and blaming others causes painful conflict.
When you are disclosing, try to stick to talking about yourself and your situation, and be careful not to fall into the trap of blaming yourself or the other person. If the other person begins to get visibly upset with you, take a time out and get to a safe place where you can calm down, and then come back to the discussion when you are ready. If they continue to get upset, then it might be best to simply leave the discussion and come back to it at a later point.
If the other person refuses to acknowledge your condition, or they persist in blaming or attacking you, then there is probably very little that you can do to change their attitude. In this case it is probably best to step back from them for a while until you are comfortable with confronting them. I can think of at least one person who responded very negatively to my disclosure, and I have still not talked to them about it. Remember, if they try to place the blame or guilt on you for their negative feelings about your disclosure, that’s their problem, not yours.
Protecting Your Well-Being
Disclosing is very stressful, so when you are telling the other person about your mental illness, it helps to protect yourself against stress. Try to remain as calm as you can (this is where preparation comes in handy) and stick to talking about your condition. If the discussion gets intense, don’t be afraid to ask for a short break.
Try to avoid negative, dangerous words like “crazy” or “insane” and avoid talking about your condition as something horrible. Mental illness is just that, an illness. It isn’t any more shameful to have depression than it is to have asthma.
Also, make sure that you have a safe place where you can go to recover after your discussion. Go for a long walk, or watch a funny movie, or take a long bath. Telling someone about your mental illness is exhausting and you’ll need a break afterwards.
Support
Last but not least is support. For the vast majority of us, support is the main reason why we tell other people about our mental illness. Even the act of telling someone else brings us support; just knowing that someone else knows that you are suffering can be a very good and safe feeling.
We all have different needs for support, but they all come down to the same thing. We like to know that someone is in our corner. When you are telling the other person about your mental illness, there will be a stage in the discussion where they ask you how they can help. Depending on the situation, there are a bunch of different ways that they can help you with your mental illness. For example, they can help you with your therapy by providing feedback and keeping an eye out for “telling” behavior, (this is particularly helpful if you have anxiety) they can drive you to your therapy sessions, they can provide you with financial help for your therapy and medications, or they can simply be an ear when you need to get the thoughts out of your head.
When you are preparing to tell someone else about your mental illness, be honest with yourself about your needs for support. It is almost impossible to overcome mental illness alone, so having someone who can support you is a huge advantage. If the other person asks how they can help you, be honest. If you need someone to drive you to therapy, tell them. If you need a place to stay for a while, ask for one.
And remember that the act of disclosure itself is a form of support.
Final Thoughts
Telling someone else about your mental illness is a big step. It isn’t something that you should enter into lightly, but if you carefully prepare yourself and you choose a good person who you can trust, it can be a very positive and affirming experience.
If you do decide to tell someone else about your mental illness, try to always remember to be good to yourself. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, so don’t let society’s myths and misconceptions about mental illness trick you into blaming yourself for your problems. Disclosure is an incredible courageous act, and when your voice joins the voices of the countless other people who have decided to speak openly about mental illness, you will be helping to push back the line of ignorance even further.
However, if you are not ready to disclose, or you are still afraid to speak openly, don’t be ashamed. You are not weak, nor are you a coward. Even if you are reading these words now, you have taken a big step in the right direction. Take your time, focus on your healing, and one day you may be ready to speak out. Until that time, know that I have been in your shoes, and I know how terrifying the thought of going public can be. I’ve been there.
And if it is your time, and you are ready to start talking, remember,
Everything will be ok. We’re here to help.
Courage Depression Life Mental Health Relationships
Amanda responds:
Posted: April 2nd, 2007 at 12:11 pm →
I think it s easier if you feel safe, my fiance and my closest friend felt safe enough to tell me and theirs was a little more extreme then others but they felt like they have someone to confide in.
Mike responds:
Posted: May 2nd, 2007 at 1:39 pm →
Hello
I am both a survivor of clergy sex abuse that happened when i was a teen. Soon afterward I became very hostile toward authority and the “establishment” in general. This hostility has dogged me for the past 25 years and it has cost me dearly in terms of employment. I have huge gaps in my employment history that I now see as being caused by ptsd related to the molestations.
My question is, should someone with this background inform a potential employer that this is the reason for the big gaps in employment and the unstable work history? I really hate to to cover things or be dishonest. I feel no shame about what happened, it happened. But I don’t want to freak the interviewer out either.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: May 3rd, 2007 at 8:42 am →
Mike,
In general, it is advisable to keep quiet about gaps in your employment history unless you are asked, although it sounds like in your situation the gaps are probably going to be noticed.
What you are asking is a very tough question. Companies are risk-averse, so if you disclose past mental problems, they could decide not to hire you based on their interpretation of risk. That said, there are companies out there who are much more open and understanding of mental illness.
I say play it by ear. If you are in an interview and you feel that you have a good rapport with the interviewer, and they ask about the gaps in your employment, it might be best to be honest about them. No need to go into details, just say that you were struggling with a medical condition.
Another thing to try is to see if you can get a referral from someone who knows you well and who will represent you honestly.
Finally, some employers make a point of not discriminating against people with mental illness, such as government agencies, some charities, and even some corporations. It might be worth your while to do a bit of research and see if you can find some of these employers in your area.
Hope that helps,
Scott
Jennifer responds:
Posted: November 14th, 2007 at 1:53 pm →
I was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and my counsellor thinks that had a big effect on me being able to hold onto jobs. I would start a job be happy and the minute there was any sort of conflict I would quit or get fired. I did not deal with job stress very well back then. So recently I have been working with my doctors for the right medications as well as getting back into the regular work force, I have been bartending and waitressing for the past year. Right now I am working a seasonal retail job as well as waitressing and bartending and am finding the sporatic scheduling difficult on my mental health. Should I discuss this with my employers? Because I am afraid that this schedule is affecting my work performance.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: November 19th, 2007 at 10:34 am →
Hi Jennifer,
Telling your employer is a tough one. I suffered through 3 years of depression, and never spoke to my employer about it out of fear of discrimination. My work performance suffered and I was miserable, but I was too afraid of what might happen if I spoke to my company and they reacted negatively.
That said, I was working for an employer that I didn’t trust. If you are working for someone who you trust and who you think will try to help you, then it might be worthwhile to speak to them about your issues. You don’t have to go into any details, just let them know that you have a health problem and you need to adjust your work schedule.
If you don’t trust your employer, then there is definitely a risk in talking to them about your health issues. In most places, companies can’t fire you for health reasons, but the stress of talking to your boss might be just as bad as the stress from working crazy hours. In this case it might be best to talk to your doctor for advice. Your doctor may be aware of your local labor laws and they might have some suggestions.
Hope it works out for you.
Sarah Summer responds:
Posted: February 4th, 2008 at 9:14 pm →
I don’t think I could ever tell my employer about any type of mental problem or condition; I feel the discrimination would be too severe. I would have to really know my employer–really know them!
Stress Busters responds:
Posted: May 22nd, 2008 at 11:56 pm →
You know, this causes a great deal of stress on the individual (as you’ve mentioned so eloquently!).
I really thank you for writing this post, it has proven to already been helpful to my clients.
Kaye responds:
Posted: June 11th, 2008 at 12:59 am →
Hi there,
Thanks for this piece. You have some of the most practical and accessible information that I’ve found. It is calming and reasonable to read- which is a nice change from some things out there!
I’ve disclosed to a few friends but to no one in my family. I’m now wondering about telling my mum. The thing I’m wondering is how to explain a trauma-related disorder when I don’t want to talk about the trauma. Is that unreasonable? I don’t want her imagination to run wild thinking about what could have happened. I’m very worried about being inconsiderate, and her feeling like she has to look after me, or needs to worry about me. I’d like to tell her, because I’d like a hug and a little bit of support, but I’m in treatment, things are getting better and I know I’ll eventually be okay so I don’t want to cause undue alarm.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: June 15th, 2008 at 7:13 pm →
Hi Kaye, thanks for writing.
That’s a tough dilemma to be in. I still find it awkward sometimes to talk about my trauma, even though I’ve told thousands of people about it. Every time it still feels like I’m losing a bit of control.
If you want to tell your mother, I suggest that you sit down and write her a letter. You may never have to show her the letter, but you might find that your fears will seem a little less awful once you see things in writing.
Scott
Jill responds:
Posted: July 24th, 2008 at 5:40 pm →
I have suffered from PTSD now for 5 years it has been exhausting. I am now coming to terms with it and although I still have my bad days I am getting to understand myself better now. I use meditation and relaxation exercises. I have never used any medication and have not even been to the doctors as I wanted to escape the mental health trap. The only reason I have managed to get myself through this nightmare is with positive self talk, a healthy diet and exercise. I would not recommend talking to your employer about your situation as this can bring on more problems in the long run. However I would certainly recommend that you find a person who you truly trust and work and take your time to talk about your experiences. However I would recommend that you TRULY TRUST the person that you tell. With all the Myths around mental Health it is so easy to isolate yourself even further. I hope this helps
Jill