What to do When You Want to Self-Injure
This article is dedicated to my friend J. We were talking about self-injury the other day and I said something very stupid about people who self-injure. It was unfair and I apologize. I hope that this article helps make up for my dumb comments.
Self-injury is one of those “misunderstood” aspects of mental health. There are all kinds of myths and misconceptions about people who self-injure, from “they are just seeking attention” to “they are just too cowardly to commit suicide.” The sad truth is that self-injury is neither a cry for attention, nor is it “practice” for suicide. It is an unfortunate side effect of many mental illnesses, most notably depression.
When you feel the urge to self-injure, there are a few things that you can do to help make the feelings go away and keep from hurting yourself. In this article I will talk about a couple of them.
Why Do People Self-Injure?
I’m not a therapist, and I have never self-injured, so I’m definitely not an expert on the subject; but most people I know who self-injure tell me that they do it to make the pain and fear go away, if only for a while. This is going to be very difficult to understand for those of you who have never self-injured, or who don’t know anyone who self-injures. Self injury is nothing more than a survival tool, and there is no shame in doing it.
However, it is a dangerous thing to do, and it can result in major health problems, so when the feeling to SI comes along, it is best to find ways to satisfy the SI “itch” while at the same time keeping yourself safe and happy. There are three different things that you can do to get through those times when you want to cut. You can: 1) substitute the pain, 2) calm yourself down, and 3) give yourself some “me” time.
“Safe” Pain
There are different things that you can substitute for cutting or burning when you feel the need to self-injure. The idea is that you want to find something that gives you a “sting” but that doesn’t hurt you. One good trick is to hold an ice cube in your hand until it becomes too painful to hold. Other people I know have wrapped an elastic band around their wrist and snapped it. The idea is to still have the “pain fix” (which you can work on later with your therapist) without the danger of causing injuries to your body. Whatever substitute you chose, always remember to keep yourself safe.
Calm Yourself
SI episodes can feel a lot like panic attacks, so a lot of the same “calming” techniques that work for panic attacks can also help with self-injury. Try some breathing exercises or try meditation or another type of self-calming exercise. It will help you reduce the stress that you are feeling and make it a little easier to control your urges to cut.
Take “Me” Time
After the urge to self-injure passes, whether you have cut or not, take some time to take care of yourself. Take a long bath, or go for a walk, or watch a movie. Try not to focus on the SI too much. Concentrate on being nice to yourself. What’s done is done and there is no good in beating yourself up over self-injuring. Be good to yourself.
Shame
Like I said at the beginning of this article, I have fortunately never felt the urge to cut, although I have friends who do self-injure. However, I do understand the shame and self-hatred that comes after you SI. If you do cut, try not to be ashamed. Self-injuring is not a sign that you are weak or that you are broken.
Also, if you are self-injuring, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about it. I know that this will be very difficult, especially if you have just cut, but therapy can really help with controlling the urges. Therapists today are very familiar with self-injury, so they won’t blame you or think that you are sick in the head if you tell them that you SI.
I hope that these techniques help you, and if you’ve any tricks that work for you when you want to self-injure, please share them. (remember that you can post comments anonymously. I am the only person who will see your email address and I never share them with anyone) And, if you are self-injuring, or if you feel the urge to cut right now, please be safe.
Depression Health Mental Health mental-health-self-injury
Rob Brown responds:
Posted: March 11th, 2007 at 3:00 pm →
I’m shocked that the alternate-pain thing worked. In fact, I’m amazed that alternate ANYTHING worked. I have been a firm rejector of anything pitched as a “safe alternative” to anything my entire post-rape life.
If I needed pain…well…it was going to come from a true source.
In this instance, the safe pain put the lion back to sleep.
Thank you and this site is wonderful!
J responds:
Posted: March 11th, 2007 at 8:49 pm →
When I started self-injuring (SI) I bruised myself. It wasnt about cutting, it was about bruising. I have broken my fingers and I have broken my toes. I eventually moved on to cutting which escalated beyond that. For me, it often stems from frustration.
Safe pain hasnt worked for me, but I know it has done wonders for dozens of people I know. I paint lines on myself - angry ones, red ones. Sometimes I find yelling makes me feel better. Mostly it is talking to other people to take my mind away from it that gets me through. Especially when the person you are talking to knows why you need a diversion.
It is the shame that makes it hard. It is an addiction like anything else, and I am ashamed of what I do to myself. It doesnt help to know that people have started claiming that a certain popculture fad is the reason that people SI. It has almost become a joke in the eyes of my society, that it is an indication of being the follower of a ridiculous trend and not an indication that I need help to save me from myself. But you are right Scott, once you get through the shame enough to tell someone, you have also created a resource for yourself. Someone you can call and tell that you need some company to keep yourself safe. Someone who understands.
J
J responds:
Posted: March 11th, 2007 at 11:14 pm →
Oh - and it does make up for those comments. I forgive you.
J
isabella mori responds:
Posted: March 12th, 2007 at 4:57 pm →
as a therapist, i agree with what both scott and j say about the shame. the way i understand it, shame is often part of what prompts people to self injure in the first place. then the self injury happens, and more shame sets in. it’s a vicious cycle. finding something that breaks the shame is often the first road to recovery.
Carol L. Skolnick responds:
Posted: March 13th, 2007 at 1:31 am →
As a child, adolescent and young woman I self-injured for another reason; self-punishment. I dug at things in my body that I deemed imperfections or flaws. I did this knowing I would cause scarring and damage, but the self-inflicted damage was more acceptable to me than the “imperfections.” Of course it didn’t help except in the moment of self-injury; as the therapist above comments, I was left with my initial shame, which was compounded by my self-injuring behavior and my self-inflicted “scarlet letter.” All of this was done in secret; it took many years before I could tell a therapist about it. Talk therapy helped me; the last vestiges of impulse to self-injured were wiped out when I learned how to meet my thoughts with understanding (The Work of Byorn Katie).
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: March 13th, 2007 at 3:49 pm →
Rob, Carol and J, thank you so much for your brave responses. As I said, I am not an expert on the reasons why people self-injure, and I am grateful that you have so generously shared your experiences.
Also thanks to isabella for her comments, especially regarding the cycle of shame. I found myself caught in a similar cycle when I was depressed, and it wasn’t until I was able to get free of it that I began to recover. For my other readers, I’d also like to recommend isabella’s blog, (you can link to it by clicking her name) where she has tons of great articles, include a very good article on self-injury where she talks about the reasons why people self-injure.
Shane responds:
Posted: March 23rd, 2007 at 10:30 pm →
This sounds like a good idea…might have to try it. I’m sure it’s better then ripping open my old scars with a scalpel.
carnival of eating disorders #6 » change therapy - isabella mori responds:
Posted: June 1st, 2007 at 2:09 am →
[...] there is a submission by scott from finding your marbles. he talks about self-injury, noting that at first glance, the topic may not seem directly related to eating disorders, “but i [...]
Kaaatdttttieeyyyy responds:
Posted: June 20th, 2007 at 9:25 pm →
I always use to cut. Until I told someone, my best friend. She said that it was a stupid thing to do. and she started to cry. I have been her friend since, before I can remeber. So when she knew that I hurt myself, she said that I needed to tell someone that could help. THis was only a year after I started. She said I had to tell my mom, or dad. Which, when you are a teenager and think you can handle every, it didn’t work very well. So finally, after putting it off for 2 weeks, my friend told my mom. I couldn’t belive that she would do something like that. I screemed, yelled, cried.. For about 3 weeks me and my friend didn’t talk much. I still couldn’t belive that she would have done such a thing to me. Until, about 30 more cuts, I finally thought to myself, when I cut… I don’t hurt me, I hurt everyone else who loves me. Now, it has been about 1/2 a year since my friend told. and I haven’t wanted to cut, until a few weeks ago, when my friend pasted away. The way I see it, when I cut, it hurts everyone who loves me. And the reason I cut, is because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I just want my pain to go away. For someone who cuts, or uses self abuse… If still makes me cry, there are so many kids that cut because they think it is kool. But once you start, you will never stop… The scares will never truely go away. You will never see your skin how it use to be. I just say to anyone who want to start, it makes you feel better, until you see what it does to everyone else you love!!! I’m only 14, but it doesn’t really matter. I know what I am saying. So if you dont’ want to trust me, don’t. but I know what it did to my life, and my friends… The first time you cut, is the last time you know who you really are!!!
RK responds:
Posted: August 30th, 2007 at 10:48 am →
I’ve never actually cut or bruised myself, but sometimes I’ve slapped my upper left arm until it and my hand were stinging. Like the ice cube, when I feel the desire to cut or to do more drastic things, this holds it off.
It’s also a great way to stay awake in bad traffic, I found. (I had been thinking about running the car into something when I first discovered this).
Peter Mairs responds:
Posted: November 18th, 2007 at 6:16 am →
As a former S. Htline Vol. and EMT/Frst responder, i believe STRONGLY in the rubber band technique
and most of the “distraction methods. There are 2 varieties of “cutter”…the “Pain” cutter…and the “sight of blood” cutter. R. Bands to snap on your wrist, and (my savior) drawing the injury in red sharpie…….the R.B. snap satiates the pain cutter…..while the drawing of the cuts satisfies the desire to see blood. And this is from a lifelong, far beyond driven SI/ SMS with PTSD who used to laugh at these ideas, well they work. The “Buddy System” is a MUST…when one is in the harming state of mind…knowing there is a good friend right there to talk you through the episode is VERY reassuring.
Sadly, i learned these ideas by modding a M.H. site of 50 thous. + memb…..it’s people just like you and i who can make the difference……information is power. And no greater power exists than empathy, caring, and basic human compassion. Mass education is the beginning of awareness……….empathy is the root of awareness….look out for one another. Be Safe.
Believe me……sometimes even jaded people get blindsided, the night i found myself tracking a THIRTEEN yr. old to file a police rept. for his safety…..because he was suicidal. THIRTEEN YEARS OLD……NEVER dismiss the warning signs….or even open comments of someone who is speaking of harming, there is NO such entity as one case less urgent and serious than another.
I guess i might be hoping to hear back from Admin. as to that ISP tracking is ROUTINE here……..
if not……..i would be honored to help out the site, making it a safer place for all of us.
SITUATION> You just got a post saying someone is going to harm, or suicide. You have 27 seconds to save this person by collecting information while remaining neutral…..and you can NOT be a hero….EVERYTHING hangs on YOUR memory of that call. Who do you call? What do you do???
You have 27 seconds to follow protocol……26…25…24…23…yes, it’s like that. BUT, a calm voice….a pleasant demeanor……NEVER addressing or suggesting the person is iLL.
OK chances are you won’t run into this situation often…BUT IF YOU DO……are you ready?
Would management be interested in instituting a standard protocol for instantly tracing ISP’s to relay to the proper agencies, neglecting to do so may be construed as neglegence. BUT you can’t call the POL. with a raw ISP…..you MUST trace it….the police DON’T have that software………..trust me. The trace takes 11 seconds. And generates a map…address…phone no….and a satellite cap. of the most recent shot of a location. Also, aliases…..ghost accounts…multi user accnts…Now there are NO legal applications for traces unless you are a corp. or an agent of said corp……(such as Mod). I would be pleased to provide anyone interested with the software, and Hyperlinks needed to perform a ISP….DOMAIN….username…ping….and many many more. NEVER to be used except in the evnt a life is at stake…and it’s needed. If someone called or posted here….comitted suicide…i’m afraid we may be liable for not acting in accordance with UCC commercial Code and the Geneva Convention. THAT would not be good, i LOVE this site…..and hope to someday contribute to it’s success. The one thing that is possibly a “judgement call……whomever is on duty manning the “crisis thread” would have to be experienced at making Life and Death Decisions for 20 hrs at a whack. And being wrong is NOT an option. Experience………like recognizing when someone is borrowing phraseology from other current posts to form their own,.
THE NUMBER ONE TELL ALL IS SIMPLE……AND IS FOOLPROOF.
My method: “Maam/sir……are you feeling like harming yourself or anyone else? Are you feeling suicidal tonight” ” Because i have to inform you by law that if i judge you to be so….i WILL be forced to report this to the local authorities…….i care WAY too much to take a chance,
After directing said poster to the appropriate forum…i watch. The person is typing, i’m planning for the wprst…..just in case, I’d rather look stupid anyday…..than harm or cause harm to another human being or animal. The user posting offers a few secs. to notify Admin, and get a go or no……….Often your providing the info for the Admin is invaluable……there are NO heroes, only honest people who want to help…..and care alot. If it strikes anyone as useful….i would be glad to assist in hashing out a basic protocol…..refining it, and posting the completed protocol in the Admin. forum where Mods and all can view it and PRINT IT…..LEARN IT….till it’s autopilot.
WELL, there’s a few ideas from me….hope that wasn’t too long winded.
I guess i was rather disturbed….that last night, i posted to this site i was suicidal, and no one tracked my ISP…..and it is NOT hard…..Crisis n Couns. knows my house well. No one called it in……..i was too scared to do it myself…..needed help, and got platitudes and some really nice replies…….but ZERO help. This tells me…..DO you guys track ISP’s? PLEASE, PLEASE, let me show you how if you don’t. What if i HAD pulled that trigger last night? And i told people here…..there needs to be an extreme sense of urgency employed staffwide…..and protocols in place, please.
If you had just “who is” ‘d me…….or followed the ISP…you would have had info the pol. and EMT’s need immed. but can’t get on the fly. WE CAN DO MORE. Please…..if someone said HALF of what i said last night on MY forum……The intervention team would be at their door before they hung up the phone. You don’t usually get posts from schizophrenics bleeding to death….SI is the one forum where mortal injury is standard issue stuff. Not to mention suicide. Please think about what almost hapenned to me last night…….and give me a chance to answer any questions, or doubts? When i said i was suicidal to a couple folks who replied kindly to my post…..it was danced around and avoided……i wanted to die…..i still do, but i’m more alert tonight, and trying to make a mark on this world. To help somehow….and atone for wanting to waste such a gift. Only for me it is a curse. One i can’t run fast enough to get away from. Please consider what i have said to you Ladies, and Gentleman. Thank you for your valuable time.
Cordially yours,
Peter Mairs (DeadseasoN)
bev@pivot.net
Peter Mairs responds:
Posted: November 18th, 2007 at 6:37 am →
I apologise for omitting some important details.
The quickest way to determine..(if you can read people well) if someone is Parasuicidally Gesturing…or genuinely suicidal is to ask “the question”
“sir / maam i must inform you that in the event i determine you to be a danger to yourself or others, i will report this to the police.(this is standard ) So i must ask you again for clarity…”are you suicidal…..or a dnger to yourself or others? I have you as living at…(give the trace info to verify you are legit, and very serious) At this point….the parasuicidal gestures separate quickly from the seriously in need of assistance immed. The old addage, no one who talks of it, does it is NOT true……..i am living proof of that. I am just basically on my knees hoping you will see fit to post a full time rotation of Mods/ subs to be on duty 24/7 in an area such as SI….what if…..there are too many to list here. Whomever is decided to be a Crisis Mod in SI would HAVE to have a couple years exp. and indepth knowledge of medical basics…frst. response…and be of an unshakable demeanor….and ROCK solid on making decision calls to weed out the para’s from the suic’s…..with ZERO error. I’d like to be the first to volunteer if you decide to follow through with this…..i don’t see how you can afford NOT to cover a potentially ugly situation…..but, i’m a teamplayer….and do what i’m told. Thank you for the oppertunity to present my ideas.
Cordially Yours,
Peter M. (DeadseasoN)
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: November 19th, 2007 at 10:45 am →
Hi Peter, thanks for writing.
I’ve been thinking about your comments and I do agree that more needs to be done to help people who are in crisis, especially if they are suicidal or if they are self-injuring. So many people could be spared if the resources were there to help them when they needed it most.
That said, my site isn’t really set up to manage crisis situations. There are sites that provide live chats and crisis lines that are much better suited for assisting people who need help right away. I used to volunteer on one of those sites and I know that the people running them are very good at what they do. In the future I plan to set up some links to these sites, once I get a good list of them put together.
Thanks again for writing.
taj responds:
Posted: March 9th, 2008 at 1:58 pm →
i feel depressed all the time.my daugher died.she was 10 n half years of age.i am pregnant again.i don’t have any good friend around me.i live far away from my mom n only one sis.i used to take meds for depression.as i am pregnant now.. doc told me not to take those meds much.i don’t feel good…can’t sleep at all.whoever reading my msg,pls pray for me.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: March 11th, 2008 at 1:01 pm →
Hi taj, thanks for writing.
I’m praying for you.
Scott
fatalistic_rose responds:
Posted: June 11th, 2008 at 10:32 pm →
somehow this makes me feel a little less alone, my family thinks its strange and just ignore it becuase they dont know how to deal with. So I’ve been pretty much been alone with this for years. I used to take a razor blade and cut along the side of my wrist, to me the blood draining out used to represent a bit of the bad part of me leaving me. Then I met this guy that I liked and it actually stopped for a while, i thought i had someone finally and that the pain would go away. Then he walks away for a party boy lifestyle that i cannot fit into, so much for acceptance. After i beared my soul and told him about the sexual abuse by a cousin and my father’s phyiscal beatings, his attempts to kill my mother. I cut myself that night 50 times, watched the blood drip to the floor, gaining a type of solace that only Si’s would truly understand. it took me a little while after to realise that this just isnt working, and i decided to make a change. So strength came from somewhere and i started to fight my circumstances, it was hard but rewarding. its been 2 hard months with no cutting. What I did was a combination of what Scott speaks of in his article additionally when ever the feeling came i tried to get myself amongst people, that way i wouldnt cut because id be ashamed to with an audience. Its working…so far. I hope all of you work it out. I know its hard cuz most times you feel like your drowning in the ocean and all you really want is something to hold on too. My problems cant compare with what some people have gone thru but do give it a try atleast i think the combination of the methods works best..we gotta look out for each other cuz its a dark place down here. Blessings all the best everyone!