Finding Your Marbles
A Mental Health Survival Guide

49 Responses to: “Therapy Series Part 4: Leaving Your Therapist”

1. Alison responds:
   Posted: April 2nd, 2007 at 11:41 pm →

   I wish I had found this site 6 months ago. I was in therapy for almost 2 1/2 years. Ex-therapist spent most of the time lecturing me on his view of my situation and ‘ran over’ alot of my thoughts with his own. I never felt comfortable and wanted to leave but he kept telling me that if I left, “things would get worst”. He would use stories of other clients as examples to follow, which always made me feel like I wasn’t sensible enough to be in therapy. I was always afraid to speak up, felt what I have to say wasn’t important (I believe I have social anxiety, did my own research). I told him I would be moving out of state and he decided to transfer me to a couples therapist to work on parenting instead of letting me continue my individual therapy in the few months left before the move. I only had one ‘goodbye’ session which was very difficult for me. I left feeling depressed and confused…still feel confused. If I ever go back into therapy, I will remember that I am in therapy for me and I have every right to speak up when things don’t feel right to me.

2. Scott Davis responds:
   Posted: April 3rd, 2007 at 9:43 am →

   Alison,

   Sounds like you got a bad one. Sorry to hear that you had such a terrible experience. But you hit the nail right on the head in your last line. Never forget that you have a business relationship with your therapist and that they work for you.

   Thanks for writing.

   Scott

3. Janet responds:
   Posted: August 14th, 2007 at 10:45 pm →

   I know I will struggle with leaving therapy. I have an awesome therapist. I have grown so much and the thought of leaving hurts so much. I just can’t even think about it, but I realize eventually it will have to end. She has already made it clear that we can’t be friends. It made me so sad. But I understand…I may need her later. I am in a much better place now than when I first went to therapy. But I do wonder how I will be when it is time to go. I am fearful of this.
   Thanks for listening,
   Janet

4. " What to do If You Have Been Diagnosed With Depression" by Finding Your Marbles - A Mental Health Survival Guide responds:
   Posted: September 9th, 2007 at 1:58 pm →

   [...] covering issues such as choosing a therapist, to what to do at your first therapy appointment, leaving your therapist and other important topics. If your doctor has recommended that you should try therapy, you might [...]

5. Pete Z responds:
   Posted: October 27th, 2007 at 7:32 pm →

   This is a very good piece on leaving your therapist; it also can be used as a perspective to the client/therapist relationship.

6. Helen responds:
   Posted: January 13th, 2008 at 8:05 pm →

   Great info, wish I had followed the right steps in leaving my therapist.
   I was sure I could go it alone but couldn’t face telling my therapist (of 2yrs) goodbye. So I sent a letter in which I told her thanks to her great guidence I am strong enough to go it alone. Just 2 weeks later I am depressed and want to go back but my pride is stopping me.
   She was a great therapist and after years of searching she was a great match for me. But I was unable to totally open up to her. I fear it will that me ages to find another one as good as her. But know if I go back it will be the same situation of been unable to open up to her.
   Really confussed anyone got any advice for me, Please!

7. Scott Davis responds:
   Posted: January 14th, 2008 at 11:49 am →

   Helen,

   Wow, that’s a tough one. I can understand how hard it would be for you to go back to see your therapist after you were so sure that you were ready to heal on your own.

   There are a couple of therapists who read this site, so maybe one of them can offer some advice, but my first thought is that you might just have needed a break from your therapist for a while. I know that it will be hard to call her back, but what do you think of calling her and explaining why you left? It won’t hurt her feelings and you never know, she might be really happy to hear from you.

   As for pride…well, I’ve been there too. I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. I think that you have shown a lot of strength and wisdom in trying to take responsibility for your healing, even if it was only for a couple of weeks. That takes a lot of guts so I think you should give yourself credit for being strong. It takes small steps but you’ll make it.

   Scott

8. isabella mori responds:
   Posted: January 14th, 2008 at 2:17 pm →

   yes, it’s not easy to deal with situations like this.

   rather than commenting here, i put my answer in a blog post – you can find it here. hope you can find something useful there!

9. Helen responds:
   Posted: January 15th, 2008 at 2:06 pm →

   Hi Scott,
   Thanks for the advice, I am sure now that the right thing to do is call my therapist.
   Thank you for giving me the strenght.
   Thank you for have this blog it has been helpful beond words.

10. pam responds:
    Posted: January 17th, 2008 at 9:23 am →

    I have a therapist that I feel so close to. I don’t know what I would do without her.
    I read a book that said a therapist may be friendly but is not a friend. I told my therapist that and she didn’t say anything. I guess I got my answer. i Have aot of abandment issues and losing her will be too much.
    I feel like nothing will help.

11. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: January 17th, 2008 at 10:27 am →

    Hi Pam,

    That’s one of the hardest parts about leaving a therapist. It’s so hard to leave somebody who you’ve trusted with, well, everything. It really does feel like losing a close friend.

    Have you spoken with your therapist about your abandonment issues? I used to have pretty bad abandonment issues myself and my therapist was able to help me out with them. It might be worth a try for you to talk to your therapist about it.

    Also, even if you are no longer in regular sessions with your therapist, it doesn’t mean that you can’t stay in touch with them. I stay in regular touch with one of my therapists.

    I guess what I’m saying is that there are many different types of friendship. You might not ever go out to lunch with your therapist but the two of you have a valuable relationship. You can still have that relationship with her as long as both of you are ok with it.

12. Kim responds:
    Posted: February 15th, 2008 at 6:18 am →

    Hi all I’ve really appreciated reading the posts. I went in to therapy after having a spell of feeling very low and not being able to see a way forward. I’m in my early 40’s and had never been in therapy before. My therapist told me she could see me for a year but then she was retiring. I’m just over halfway through now and have discovered how very powerful this whole thing is. I’ve also discovered how a lot of stuff from my childhood has been affecting me in ways I didn’t realise. I’m now dreading the time when I finish with my therapist. I feel as though she is an anchor for me just now and I’m worried about how I will cope when I have to stop seeing her. The feelings are overwhelming and I have real difficulty containing them. Ideally I would have liked to continue working through everything that had started to come up for me through to the end with her but that’s not to be. Now I can’t deal with ‘those issues’ as I’m focusing on the pain and turmoil of the approaching end and wondering how to cope. She wants me to see someone after her – I don’t want to – somewhere inside I can’t trust they’ll be there long enough – and I don’t want to go through this again. Part of me wants to just leave the therapy now – what’s the point in going through this agonising path to the end? Another part of me is desperate to find a more positive way to manage this – I hate this feeling of things getting out of control for me. Has anyone else experienced this? What is the best way forward?

    Kim

13. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: February 18th, 2008 at 9:43 am →

    Hi Kim,

    A friend of mine once described her therapist as “the best friend I’ll never have.” It can be absolutely devastating to leave a therapist, especially when you have a great rapport with them. It sounds like you’ve really began to trust your therapist so it’s no wonder that you’re anxious about leaving them. I had to leave a therapist under similar circumstances and it was very difficult and painful to move on to a new therapist.

    Have you talked to your therapist about how you feel? I bet she has other patients who feel the same way so maybe she can help you with your feelings.

    Also, you still have half a year with your therapist and a lot can happen in that time. Therapy is powerful stuff. It might just all work out for the best.

    Scott

14. kangagirl responds:
    Posted: February 18th, 2008 at 10:11 am →

    I’m facing leaving therapy at the moment, and finding some difficulty, but not about therapy itself. I’m not worried about leaving the therapy work itself – over the years we have gradually shifted from him helping me with things to me actually coming up with workable strategies and implementing them myself, with him as the sounding board. I can do that OK, although, with my particular presentation of OCD (which is a rather complex presentation akin to a writing difficulty and for which little exists in the research literature), as a trained specialist teacher myself working from a cognitive perspective in my own profession, I am literally using my own intellectual knowledge to deal with gaps in existing research literature to develop unique strategies for my writing difficulties, which then get discussed in therapy sessions.

    He and I have developed an exemplary working relationship, come from the same perspective, have personally clicked since day one, therapy has been properly centered around my needs as client, and he has done so in a way that allowed me to be able to do things myself in greater amounts over time – which is something that I really require, because otherwise I would feel stifled. We are both academics, and enjoy similar intellectual issues. We’re actually both quite passionate about both theoretical and practical research. Much of what we have been doing has gradually shifted to more to like an academic colleague to colleague relationship, both with regard to the application of theoretical research to my own teaching background because of the nature of the disorder, and also through ending up discussing actual material in academic essays I’ve been writing (as that itself was what I needed help with – the OCD impacted upon my academic writing in devastating ways whilst leaving the intellect intact). There has been a growing equillibrium as I’ve become more capable. He has been a first rate psychologist in every respect, and I can’t fault him. He has acknowledged the strength of our working relationship, and both of us enjoy working together. But with my growing knowledge (I can now intricately discuss cognitive psychology with academic psychologists on an equal level, and do so with educational psychologists in my own university department – I am being encouraged at uni to eventually do a doctorate in learning disabilities with a cognitive psychology emphasis), the relationship has shifted to a more equal standing, which is more like doctoral student/supervisor/colleague than traditional therapy. I now have strong ability to cope with the emotional aspects of OCD on my own, whilst still needing to work out some things myself.

    We both enjoy one another’s company – we have both acknowledged that we like and respect each other as people, and I know that had I met this man in an academic context rather than a therapeutic one, we would both have developed an intellectual friendship with stimulating cross-disciplinary dialogue. We do have a very strong bond. It’s cutting me up, because I feel like I will never be able to develop the friendship with him that would probably have developed in any other context EXCEPT the therapeutic one. I get the impression that this is not going to be easy for him. He’s been away on sabbatical for several months. He wishes to discuss future directions in a catch up session, which I am assuming to be our last. I won’t even broach the friendship issue because the ethical implications worry me, and I do know that even if there are provisions for it in the professional society’s ethical code (there are provisions for intimate relationships – which is not applicable here – but the issue of platonic friendship doesn’t seem to be addressed in their ethical standards document). I will be acknowledging the work that he has done, but don’t want to place him in any awkward position professionally or personally.

    I’m dreading this session, even though I am looking forward to talking to him again after so many months sabbatical, and I get the feeling – just from reading between the lines of attitude and vocal tone in setting up this meeting, that he is probably going to feel the same (and I get the feeling that the same dread might be present, even though as the professional, he cannot, and will not utter that). He has already indicated that it was a hard decision for him to make – but at the same time, he sounded more pleased to speak to me after the research break than he ever has. That’s what’s leading me to this conclusion.

    Has anyone else been in this position? I’ve been searching for similar experiences through Google, but most of them deal with romantic relationships rather than platonic friendships.

15. kangagirl responds:
    Posted: February 18th, 2008 at 10:34 am →

    An addendum to my previous post:

    I have worked in similar one-to-one situations with students, so I’m aware of professional behaviour. I’ve also had other successful working relationships which have not ended up with me feeling this way, and I’m not sure that it is just because he helped me – others have helped me as well, but there just seemed to be this personal bond developing due to personal dispositions, etc. Proper relational assymetry has mostly been preserved, but the personal connection just seemed almost fly under the radar, so to speak. I don’t regard this asymmetry as being what a friendship should be based on outside that situation – but recognise that there are qualities that have the potential to grow that way if therapy is no longer the mode of behaviour, so to speak. Because of the highly academic nature of the way that we gradually begun to relate (my OCD is a dual diagnosis along with intellectual giftedness, and in the specific context the intellectual connection was appropriate), there is some indication of what communication would be like if therapy were abandoned. And it seems like a crying shame.

16. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: February 19th, 2008 at 2:36 pm →

    Hi Kangagirl,

    Yes, it does seem like a crying shame. It sounds like you have achieved a level of rapport and, dare I say it, friendship, with your therapist. I can imagine how upsetting it must be now that the therapy relationship is ending. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Is there any possibility, given the nature of your work, to continue your mutual relationship at a professional level?

    Scott

17. kangagirl responds:
    Posted: February 20th, 2008 at 9:30 am →

    I haven’t spoken to him about it because I’m worried about the ethics, and I’m also concerned about his view on the ethics of the situation – opinions seem to differ amongst professionals on this issue. He does have a large circle of friends which he has retained over the years, even going back as far as primary school. I don’t think he has done so with clients. There are limitations in any case, because of age (we’re only 4 years apart), gender (opposite gender) and marital status (I’m single, he’s married). Although this would be an academically based friendship and not any sort of relationship that would impact in that way – much like the sort of relationship a PhD supervisor would have with a former student in the same faculty – I would still wish this to be properly above board, and all those sorts of professional bodies seem to frown upon friendships developing straight after therapy as suspect. I think they require 2 years of non-contact or something like that, even for a simple platonic friendship, but you never know what those professional bodies are going to be thinking.

    Basically, I’m partly afraid to bring up the friendship issue. He has a tendency to put off things that are unpleasant to him (like administration and paperwork), and after I responded to his email about setting up the final appointment (to tie up loose ends, organise any referrals if I wish to see someone else, and any other final stuff), I still didn’t hear from him for a few days. For appointments he will usually respond within 24 hours. If it’s something like receipts or paperwork, then you usually have to chase him in between meetings and conferences. I bit the bullet and rang him – he was driving to the airport at the time, and so couldn’t get out his PDA then, so he was going to email me in a couple of days. I’m still waiting. And I’m thinking to myself, you’ve just reorganised all your clinical work to have more time for academic research, so why am I hearing the words ‘I’ve been so disorganised this week’? Yet he sounded really pleased to talk to me (after 6-8 months break). I’m figuring that the finality is the difficulty. When I rang, I said that I was guessing that he hadn’t had to do the whole termination thing very much (his work is mainly university research, with a handful of long term private clinical clients who have been with him for a while). He agreed that it was like that a bit. But I feel like I’m being avoided, and that this whole termination thing is going to end up stretched out, with me having to press the issue. It’s supposed to go ahead within the next couple of weeks. It’s a horrible situation, but more horrible without the exact date pencilled in.

    I honestly don’t know what to expect from this session. I know what to expect from the organisational stuff – I know that all the CBT skills I could possibly expect to develop through clinical psychology sessions have been mastered. I still have written work completion problems, but they now seem to be more the province of educational psychologists and specialist educators like myself, to retrain those areas affected by the OCD, and I have more than enough knowledge and experience to do that, even though it’s still a lot of work ahead. I intend to discuss an outline of the approach I intend to take – which will follow certain strategies discussed in previous sessions together. But I don’t know what his attitude will be, and will have to judge on the day, so to speak. There is also a potential difficulty of whether raising this issue would breach professional boundaries that have been observed until now. And I don’t want to be the clingy client he can’t get rid of. Hard to believe all this second guessing and ethical concern over the odd future email asking him how he’s going, about his research work, and discussing my own (when I re-enrol in postgraduate study) and so forth.

    I’m tossing up whether to email him today and suggest that it would be beneficial to have the session time made definite, with the hint that whilst the date itself is not urgent, I do have substantial preparations that will need to be made for my future, and that it would be fairest for me to get it sorted. Even though his paperwork and administration is disorganised, he has never acted like this. It has been a really good working relationship and he’s never had any reason to avoid me. I can see that I’m going to have to email him again in any case, but I’m not sure how long I should leave it.

18. kangagirl responds:
    Posted: February 20th, 2008 at 9:51 am →

    Another thought: yes, I could happily keep this a professionally based friendship, similar to a colleague type situation. That would maintain the nature of the rapport already developed, whilst ceasing the therapy situation. The intellectual side seems to be a huge part of the rapport, as we have similar interests. I’ve even read one of his papers published in a major journal – he talked about it before it was accepted for publication, and when it was, I asked to read it. He really seemed very happy when I asked. That was sent by email lightening quick

    I would feel really happy about that, and if I knew that this would be an option, this whole situation would very quickly lose any sense of loss that I currently have.

    I do wish I had never started reading anything about professional ethics re therapists on the web, because it has made me look at everything with suspicion (evil exploitation lurking around every corner, and simple human to human conversation becoming an den of iniquity). I wouldn’t have given most of this ‘what about the fact that I’m female and single etc’ a thought, because my own motives were fairly innocuous and it’s only the sort of stuff I discuss with lecturers and colleagues in my own department anyway, and none of those things pose a problem to friendly academic conversation in that context. But read that stuff and it has you thinking that professional bodies are going to be on both parties like a ton of bricks, that every conversation leads to a slippery slope and so forth. It even makes you think that every therapist is thinking that, too, hence the hesitations expressed. Some authors make any post-therapy contact seem so grubby, and made me feel like I’ve almost committed some heinous crime by having a good personal rapport with somebody.

19. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: February 21st, 2008 at 12:11 pm →

    Kanga,

    I think it’s really up to his discretion whether or not the two of you become friends after therapy. You’ve hit on a lot of the possible pitfalls to friendship between therapists and former clients, and he will definitely be sensitive to those pitfalls regarding any relationship he has with you post-therapy.

    I guess what I’m saying is that he will probably let you know, directly or indirectly, how he intends your “post-therapy” relationship to continue during your last session. This could mean a continuing professional relationship, or something as simple as annual Christmas cards and the occasional phone call.

    Also, from what you’ve told me, it sounds like you have already had a positive relationship with your therapist for several years, so even if you are unable to continue a post-therapy relationship, you can always be grateful for what he has brought to your life.

    Scott

20. Kaye responds:
    Posted: March 9th, 2008 at 1:20 pm →

    Hi there,

    I am also struggling with this, perhaps prematurely. I’m on my second attempt to deal with what the psychiatrist thinks is complex ptsd. I saw a counsellor for 3 months about a year ago and felt it ended abruptly and wasn’t convinced I was better. I decided he must know better than me and did my best to move on, a few months later things got substantially worse, and a while after that I managed to gather the nerve to go to the doctor and ask for help. I’ve now seen a psychiatrist about 6 times. Because of what happened before and because of some stressful events that are coming up in the next while I wanted to know approximate time frames so that I wouldn’t be surprised and caught in the lurch. He said he thought I’d be better in about a year, but that he planned on seeing me a total of 12 times.

    It’s possible I’ll be significantly improved in 6 weeks, but it’s already causing my anxiety to rise. Am I going to be left in the lurch again? Do I not deserve to feel better than this? Is this going to be an endless cycle, of a bit of help, relapse, repeat. Do I need to abandon some of my personal (being in a relationship) and professional (finishing a degree) goals because this is as good as it will get? I’m sure I’m snowballing things slightly out of proportion, but I’m unsure of the extent to which I can be involved in the decision. This is through the public system so I’m not paying for anything, and I know there are waiting lists. Is it okay to ask to set goals and have those determine duration, or to ask for it to be a mutual decision?

    And, if we terminate and then later I get worse again, do I have to go back to the referral stage and wait potentially a few months to get help again?

    I know many of these are things I should ask him, but I normally dissociate 5-6 times a session and my ability to communicate is quite limited.

21. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: March 11th, 2008 at 12:59 pm →

    Kaye,

    Thanks for writing.

    I know how frustrating it is when you don’t know when your therapy will be over. I recovered from PTSD very quickly, but it took me years to recover from depression.

    I was going to suggest that you should talk to your therapist about your concerns, but I see you’ve already mentioned that it would be difficult for you. I think that the only answer I can give you will be the honest one, that yes, therapy and recovery will take a lot longer than you are probably planning or realize, and yes it will probably require changes in your life. There will be times when it feels like you are going backwards, and there will be times when it doesn’t feel like you are going anywhere at all. You might have a relapse (I did), you might regress (I did) and you might need to change therapists or go back to the same therapist more than once. (I did)

    That’s kind of how this recovery thing works. It sucks. However, (and it’s a BIG however), therapy _does_ work, therapists can usually help, and it is certainly possible to recover from PTSD. I am living proof. Yes, it was hard, and frustrating, and I’m in a place in my life now that is miles away from where I expected to be, but I’ve made it through.

    If you like your therapist, and you think they are truly trying to help you, then trust them and try to talk to them about your fears. When I began therapy I had some problems with dissociating and my therapist taught me some things to help me keep focused. (have you read my article on using Post It notes to help with DID?) Maybe your therapist can find some ways to help you. Writing is always good, have you thought of writing an email or a letter to your therapist, explaining your fears? You did a very good job of explaining them in your comments to me.

    Thanks again for writing and I wish you the very best.

    Take care,

    Scott

22. Kaye responds:
    Posted: March 14th, 2008 at 11:18 am →

    Hi Scott,

    Thanks for your reply. I did manage to communicate my concerns – which are more that we’ll terminate before I’m ready than the opposite. It does seem like there is some limit through the public system, though I’m not sure what it is. I’ve decided not to worry about it and will just hope for the best. I still dissociate a lot but I come back quicker. Unfortunately email isn’t an option, but I’ve taken to typing notes and bringing them with me.

    You say you recovered quickly from PTSD, how long, and what approach worked for you? I tried to find the post about dissociation – but I’m not sure where it is.

23. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: March 14th, 2008 at 11:47 am →

    Hi Kaye,

    You can find the article here:

    How To Use Sticky Notes to Make Your Life Easier.

    For the PTSD, I recovered in about 7 months. My therapy was mostly Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) along with talk therapy and journaling. EMDR works by helping you recover and process your traumatic memories. It’s pretty scary to go through, but it worked really well for me.

    I think you’re on the right track by choosing not to worry about when or how your therapy will end. Worry has such a way of undermining our healing. Maybe things will work out, and even if they don’t, after several more months of therapy, you will be better prepared to manage your situation. Like you said, hope for the best.

    Take care,

    Scott

24. marge responds:
    Posted: March 24th, 2008 at 12:00 am →

    I stopped seeing my therapist when she didn’t return my call. I asked if we could meet for coffee and never heard a word. It hurt that she didn’t even acknowledge my call! I’ve bee seeing her for 2 years. I was a mess and used up all my insurance visits. Now it’s been about 4 months and she hasn’t even called to see if I’m alright. That seems so wrong! It makes you feel that they don’t care about you just the money.

25. wendy responds:
    Posted: March 25th, 2008 at 11:35 am →

    i stopped seeing my therapist when she said that we were getting to comfortabe with each other. Isn’t that how it shoud be?

26. Andrew responds:
    Posted: April 23rd, 2008 at 6:01 pm →

    Dear Scott:

    I too appreciate your writings on this topic. I had a very troubling experience with a therapist I saw in British Columbia Canada.

    After about 14 counselling sessions with her (my wife and me), I raised concerns about her approach (including concerns over my constant thoughts about her and my behaviours). She constantly used examples of her own experiences in a social chit chatty way (much of the time), agressively led our discussion through sex issues (until my wife cut it short) and referred to me in a variety of inappropriate and sexist ways (mostly verbally, a few minor comments in writing). She denied any responsibility when we raised these issues and was not accountable. I even received a scare letter from her lawyer to back off, only after I wrote an appropriate, but assertive, e-mail to her expressing my concerns. I finally (after really trying to resolve things with her, communicating only through her lawyer!) made a complaint to her association (BCACC). They substantiated some issues and she was required to pay another qualified specialist to supervise her for about six months on couples counselling, and appropriately assessing potential dangers and threats. I am devestated over the whole thing to this day. I would describe the result as one of the top three disasters of my life!

    I wish I had read and followed up on the points you raised about avoiding confrontation. I did try to raise issues with her a few times before the incident, but never had the nerve to express them, as they were in my mind taboo topics (about tranference and things I felt I couldn’t discuss). when I did write the e-mail, I received a very abrupt response from her lawyer.

    I constantly remind myself that therapists are human. And even then I forget! These people have masters degrees and often doctorates. We tend to worship them.

    I’m still trying to collect my marbles to this day. It’s been almost two years since the incident and three since my wife and myself started therapy.

    I’ve been to a counsellor, two Psychologists and a Psychiatrist since. It’s a tough go…..

27. April responds:
    Posted: May 12th, 2008 at 3:36 pm →

    Hi,
    I am about to leave therapy, 5 more sessions, and it is killing me. I have been in therapy for a little of 2 years and now my job is moving me to another state. I have can’t describe the leaps and bounds I have come since I started therapy so I know that I am ready to move on I just wasn’t planning to just stop!. I started out twice a week for 5 months and then moved to once a week. I believed that I would move to once every two weeks and then maybe once a month until gradually I didn’t go anymore. But…. my job is not allowing that to happen. I love my therapist. (Relax, I am not in love, I care about her tremendously) I know our relationship is “special” and that we can’t be real friends but it’s killing me that I have to leave. All my abandonment issues are resurfacing and I’m not handling it well.. Any advice?

28. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: May 12th, 2008 at 8:09 pm →

    Hi April, thanks for writing.

    Leaving therapy can be tough, especially when you really connect with your therapist. It really does feel like you’re ending a friendship, doesn’t it?

    I’d suggest that you make the most of the last 5 sessions and tell your therapist how you feel about ending your sessions with her. It might not make it any less painful to leave, but by talking about it with her you will be able to get your feelings (and fears) out in the open and she may be able to help you work through them. Also, have you asked your therapist if she can recommend another therapist in your new state?

    Take care,

    Scott

29. Helen responds:
    Posted: June 6th, 2008 at 2:07 am →

    I just stumbled onto this site and am hoping that you might be able to offer me some insight. After eleven years of therapy, my relationship with my therapist ended abruptly. One week after moving, I gave birth to my son (he arrived a month early). My pregnancy was difficult and I was under a tremendous amount of psychological strain. During my pregnancy, I found that I felt worse after every session but did not bring it up because I was dealing with many other issues and felt quite vulnerable. I had planned to see my therapist shortly after giving birth but had to cancel the appointment – I just couldn’t bring myself to make the trip (one hour) into his office. The last time we spoke on the phone, he said that he would call me in a few weeks to see how I was doing. I never heard from him and couldn’t bring myself to pick up the phone to call him. It has been two years since this happened and I am still very confused, angry and feel like I need to do something. Recently, I have felt very overwhelmed by the way things ended and wonder if this feeling of loss and abandonment will ever go away. I would appreicate any thoughts you may have.

30. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: June 15th, 2008 at 7:17 pm →

    Hi Helen, thanks for writing.

    It seems strange that an 11 year long therapy relationship would end so abruptly. Have you ever thought of calling your old therapist? It might be good to speak to him again, even if it is only to bring closure to the relationship.

    Take care,

    Scott

31. maria elena responds:
    Posted: July 22nd, 2008 at 12:11 pm →

    I’ve been seeing a therapist for about 8.5 years. The last two sessions, he confided to me that half the time he doesn’t know what I’m feeling, unless i explicitly tell him. For instance, my son joined the military a year ago–which I hate, despise and fear. We spoke at length about it at the time. Yesterday i brought it up again; apparently he thinks that since I didn’t moan about it, it wasn’t on my mind. The sexual harassment at work that I mentioned–apparently didn’t register as a problem because I don’t look hysterical. Nothing i’ve been talking about seems to stick.
    Really, I feel had. Therapists can sit there and nod, “active listening’, and it’s all a freakin’ technique. Seriously, I want my money back. I want the time back. I love that he’s kept trying, and I think he’s a really good man–but for real? you don’t understand me? It’ may be existentially impossible for humans to pay deep attention to one another for more than a short period, and ultimately impossible to find understanding.
    I also have been thinking, for quite some time, that given the trauma that bad therapy inflicts–that the whole enterprise is damned unethical.

32. maria elena responds:
    Posted: July 22nd, 2008 at 7:39 pm →

    er–clarifying my foregoing comment:
    according a British journal article, up to half of psychotherapy sessions are devoted to helping patients disengage and minimize the damage that can occur…
    It seems to me that a highly likely outcome is that an individual will become attached to a therapist. Thus losing this parent/friend/therapist is like a death or divorce, or abandonment. Such pain! No warning! When other trusted figures disappear from our lives, there are plenty of choice terms for them. How can it be ethical to set up vulnerable people for this KNOWN outcome?
    I conclude that the real reason the CBT or DBT is “more effective than talk therapy” has less to do with being able to effectively change a behavior is 6 or fewer sessions, than that the damage of a faux relationship is avoided or minimized.
    I’d be thrilled if someone could change my mind about this. Clearly some people are helped. but if I sold any consumer item guaranteed to hurt half of the population using it, there’s a good chance I’d go to jail.

33. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: July 23rd, 2008 at 8:34 pm →

    Hi Maria Elena,

    Thanks for writing and sharing your thoughts.

    I read a quote somewhere that said that “therapists are good people trying to use poor tools to help others.” I think the fact is that therapists are human and therapy, especially “talk therapy” is a relatively new discipline. I really do feel that most therapists are deeply committed to helping others, however they are working with very limited resources and relatively unsophisticated techniques. Add to that the fact that there are an awful lot of quacks out there practising therapy under dubious credentials and it makes for a very difficult situation.

    To be honest, I don’t agree with you that the entire therapy community is unethical, although I certainly agree that there are a lot of bad therapists out there. There are groups; professional associations and the like, who are working to create and enforce a level of ethical behaviour in therapy, and of course there are consumer advocacy groups such as NAMI in the US and the National Network for Mental Health here in Canada (of which I’m a member) who are working to ensure that people with mental illness are treated fairly by the medical community. I don’t know if it would change your mind, but if you are really concerned about the ethics of therapy and therapeutic practice you might want to check out the NAMI website.

    Take care,

    Scott

34. Lucy responds:
    Posted: July 25th, 2008 at 11:13 am →

    Scott – my therapist (for the last 7 years) has been helping with the death of my late husband, depression and dealing with being the spouse and daughter of alcoholics. My therapist lost his wife 3 years ago. He is in his mid seventies and talks about his issues all the time. Also, one time after I left = he said “love you”! Time for me to leave right? I’ve come to think of this man as the father I never had, but I don’t think this is helping me. Do you agree? Thanks for any direction you can give me. I just don’t know how to say I’m moving on.
    Lucy

35. Celeste responds:
    Posted: July 29th, 2008 at 1:06 pm →

    I have been seeing a therapist for about 2.5 years for borderline personality disorder (self-diagnosed). I always found him to be patronizing and dismissive. He is psychoanalytically-oriented and I find the approach to be very cold. It seems that whenever I bring it up he tells me that it is some transference issue. I became very obsessed with him and called him repeatedly, mostly because of something he did or said in therapy that made me angry. So he stopped answering my calls, which I can understand. I really hate myself for this behavior. I have tried to end the therapy many, many times but it seems that he always convinces me to stay. It seems to be a sick relationship. I have problems but I feel like the therapy triggers them and makes them worse. I have no idea of how to get out of this therapy because every time I try I have a panic attack. It seems like I am stuck in an abusive relationship, but I have to admit, it is of my own doing. Why can’t I leave? After most sessions I fell horrible and depressed. I try to call him, but of course, he won’t answer the phone.

36. ELIZABETH responds:
    Posted: July 30th, 2008 at 12:05 am →

    I became very close friends with my therapist a year after I terminated. We had a lot in common. Today she stays at home and gave up her practice as a clinical psychologist to raise her family of 6 children- but I would ask why it is considered uncommon for therapists and their clients to form close friendships that can last a life time? If the client isn’t suffering from a severe mental illness which is debilitating, but is normal and functional, than there would be no reason why a therapist could not find it an ideal opportunity to form deep and meaningful friendships with those they have found a lot in common with. The laws of old are becoming less and less binding as each case is looked at individually. Psychiatrists deal with stricter boundry issues due to the severe mental illnesses and institutional environments they work in/with.

37. Celeste responds:
    Posted: July 30th, 2008 at 5:21 pm →

    Elizabeth,
    I think that generally it is not a good idea to become friends with your therapist because that creates a dual relationship if you ever decide to go into therapy with that person again. A responsible therapist does not make friends with their clients, although I am sure there are exceptions. I thought I could be friends with an old psychiatrist. Then I found that it never worked. The dynamic of him being the authority figure, and silent about his life, never changed. I also found that we had much less in common than I had thought and I did not have so much respect for him. Go figure. Maybe things are different with your therapist.
    Celeste

38. Celeste responds:
    Posted: July 30th, 2008 at 5:22 pm →

    Lucy,
    Time to call it quits with Scott, I would say.
    Celeste

39. Celeste responds:
    Posted: July 30th, 2008 at 5:23 pm →

    Oh sorry I thought your therapist’s name was Scott. Duh. Apologies. I meant time to call it quits with the therapist. He is not really being professional.

40. Lucy responds:
    Posted: July 31st, 2008 at 11:23 am →

    Celeste – thank you. I just needed another opinion. I’m going to work on this asap.
    Thanks again,
    Lucy

41. Wendy responds:
    Posted: August 6th, 2008 at 10:54 am →

    I had a horrible termination with my first therapist. I was with him for 4.5 years. On and off medication, hospitalized once for depression, suicidal, child sexual abuse, lost a son to suicide and so many other problems that it just seems overwhelming. The therapist (I’ll call him Dr. D) was fabulous, but about 3.5 years into therapy, he started to really puss me in places that I wasn’t ready to go – he would “suggest” social interactions that caused me huge amounts of stress and then started saying things like “Maybe we should lower our expectations of what you can do…” As though, I was failing his therapy. I was put on cymblata which made a huge difference, but unbeknownst to me or the pscy that I was seeing for medication – everytime he raised the meds – I would have almost like psychotic episodes, hallucinations, flashbacks, delusions, ect. During one of these episodes, I called Dr. D to tell him that I couldn’t come in the next day. He became very angry and asked why I didn’t just leave him a message and I told him that I was trying to give him as much time as possible to fill the slot (actually, I had thought he said he was going to call in my parents to the next session, and I was scared silly becuase for one – they are both dead and two, there was no way that I could sit in a session with these people that so horribly abused me in childhood and remain alive – unfortunately for me – I was very delusional and this had never happened). Dr. D started threatening me to call the cops and have me involuntarily committed (for no reason as I was not suicidal), he was screaming questions at me and demanding that I answer immediately – until finally I just said – I’m termniating therapy. And he hung up on me. I called back the next day – to apologize, but he didn’t respond to my calls. A few days later – another therpist called – one of his group that he had “reassigned” me to to tell me that Dr. D had a policy of “no contact” if a paitent terminated therapy. So here I am – stuck, unable to get any closure on all the work we did together, I feel abanded, stranded with no help or way ahead, I feel like he has completely thrown me away and everything that he told me or made me feel in therapy was a lie…..
    What do I do now….?

42. BTC responds:
    Posted: August 19th, 2008 at 6:45 am →

    Hi, Just wanted to say that this is an excellent post – well thought-out, balanced and also funny because it’s just so true. Thanks!

43. Russ responds:
    Posted: August 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am →

    Yesterday my therapist told me he would be away next week and I wouldn’t be able to see him until the following Wednesday. He then told me that he’d be away for two weeks in September, during which he’d be unreachable. He thought he had told me this before. He hadn’t. This really really upsets me. I can’t imagine a therapist who sees a patient three times a week forgetting to tell the patient that he’s going away.

    This completely blindsided me. As I said, I have been seeing him three times per week since June and he is something of a lifeline for me as I go through the most difficult period of my life. To make matters more complicated is the fact that I have a major decision to make next week regarding my job, and I may be relocating to take a new one. He will not be around to help me through this.

    I understand that he has a lot of clients, is very busy and is human, but would this be a reason to consider ending therapy with him? I feel my trust for him has been damaged by this. I also wonder if part of feeling so crushed and hurt by this is me projecting feelings from past failed relationships onto him.

    I should say that even though my progress has been slow, his insights have been pretty spot on and have really helped me, so he IS a good therapist, and the idea of searching for a new one and starting over is not very appetizing.

    Thanks for any thoughts.

44. Shelly responds:
    Posted: October 23rd, 2008 at 3:24 pm →

    What a beautiful, beautiful peace. So much of it was relevant to me. I just experienced a mutual and emotional termination with the absolutely best therapist I could have ever hoped to have. He was soo good for me, helped me immensely, and helped me open up about some really painful issues in the safe comfort of his office.

    Now I’m dealing with some very real sadness for not having him “in my life” anymore. It’s a separation anxiety of sorts…but mostly a sadness that someone who’s been so important to my recovery can never be my friend. It’s hard to resolve, but it’s something I knew would happen and I’m sure it will pass in time.

    My therapist promised me that I would be welcome to come back and see him professionally at any time and that he really hopes I keep in touch in the future to let him know how things are going.

    *sniff* I’m blessed to have found him, but very sad that it’s over.

45. Kate responds:
    Posted: January 11th, 2009 at 3:37 pm →

    Thank you so much for this website. I terminated analysis 3 months ago in mutual agreement – which I never thought would happen because I have huge abandonment issues. After 9 years of intense work on severe disorders my life has changed and is so much better than I ever thought it could be. I feel so grateful towards my therapist, she was the best I ever had. Before termination I probably cried for about every session in 7 months, I couldn´t imagine surviving without her, even though I also felt that the time had come in many ways. To my huge surprise I was great for the first 2 months after the end – I felt strong, exited and connected in a good way to my life and to my analyst. Seems termination is a bit of a roller-coaster affair though: right now I hurt so badly and the sadness of loss is agonizing. I can´t bear the idea of forgetting her or her forgetting me, us fading away with time. But if I hold on to her (in eternal grievance), as I have done countless times in the past, I am aware that I will never be able to let go and really live my life. I guess the middle way would be best but I´m not sure how to get there at this point. I´d love to get in contact and say I feel awful, please tell me you still care – but I think this would just tie another knot and make me want more and probably I need to find a way to deal with this myself at the moment so that I really can move forward again. I have profited in such a unimaginable way from my therapy that I owe it to myself and to her to resolve this.
    Time after therapy can be really hard at times (even though I think it is a necessary and expected part of the journey) – but that´s why it´s really good to read what others are going through. Good luck to everyone!

46. Natalia responds:
    Posted: March 31st, 2009 at 6:41 pm →

    Kate,
    I understand how you feel. I feel the same for my therapist. He has been wonderful to me.
    I had therapy for ten years. Today it was our last session. I still cant believe it..
    I already miss him. In contrast to you i looked forwad to ending therapy. I felt I needed to move on. So until last week I was fine, just a little scared sometimes. I guess I was in denial.
    The feelings of sadness appeared this last week. Now I cant stop crying. I lost someone so special to me. He was sad too.
    I know it is for my best as I will be independent at last, but it is hard. So hard I hadnt imagined..

    Natalia

47. Mandy responds:
    Posted: April 21st, 2009 at 11:10 am →

    Hi Scott and everyone, just wanted to say thanks for this post it made me feel a little better– also great to see all these other people who have therapists… i don’t have any friends who have been in successful therapy and I often wonder how they can understand that I learn my way of life through my counselors teaching and not my mum and dad.
    I say successful, it has been but i’ve hit a really hard point today— im off uni with ‘medical’ as my co dependence became too much too deal with and much like a alcoholic without their drink— I have removed as much co dependence from my life as possible and im moving forward to deal with my inner childhood work.
    However, since I was 18 (im nearly 24 now), my counselor has been the ‘intelligent voice in head’— helping me so much over the years but whilst I was at uni we were having telephone counseling and the boundaries have been crossed i.e i would call and she would answer and would speak to me without charging me etc (which felt a bit wrong at the time but I needed her).
    Anyway its been bothering me and we had a bit talk today and she apologized saying that ‘compassion took over her professional side’ and that I called all the time at one stage and often told her I couldn’t afford to pay her… I feel that dispite my sorry state she should have told me she couldn’t help me without being paid… sounds harsh but then the boundaries would have been clear… also sometimes she would talk to me too much like a friend.

    I talked to her in the session and I still don’t feel she took full responsibility and now she wont let me communicate with her now without having a ‘paid session’ (because we discussed the need to be ‘professional’) which would be find normally but I dont think talking about our relationship issues counts as my own personal therapy time!!
    She taken me soooo far over the years— im so glad im seeing another therapist for inner child work on thurs. I think the best thing I can do at the moment is focus on the things she taught me BUT my fear is that I will ignore all she has taught me because of how I feel about her….. any tips on my difficult time? It really wasn’t what I needed whilst im doing such life changing work— worst of all some inner child stuff came out whilst I was sitting with her… which was FABULOUS ofcourse— shame it was with someone I now cant’ trust!!!!

48. Mandy responds:
    Posted: April 21st, 2009 at 11:40 am →

    Reading all your comments again I just wanted to add something about how it seems scary how we can get so attached to our therapists—- despite mine being a big issue she has always worked on helping me to help myself and love myself and be there for my self– and even though i think ive gotten a little dependent on her (im becoming more and more aware of this), I think she did try to always help me by telling me I had me that way I wouldn’t become fully dependent on her— I can see that a lot of post’s have had similar experiences to mine but others I wonder if the therapist was aiming to stop dependency upon them or just letting it all flow? It would be terribly worrying to think that this was the case.

49. Scott Davis responds:
    Posted: May 2nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm →

    Hi Mandy,

    Thanks for writing and sharing your story.

    It sounds like you had a very complex relationship with your former therapist. It is always hard to leave a relationship, especially one that seems to have had as many benefits as the one you had with your therapist. It must be very painful for you that she has now chosen to impose boundaries on the relationship.

    Do you still value the things that she taught you? People come into our lives for a reason and it sounds like there has been a lot of good from your relationship with your old therapist.

    How is your relationship with your new therapist?

    Scott

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