How To Cry
“If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.”
William Shakespeare
My son has a great skill. Whenever he gets hurt, he starts crying, and brings the hurt to mummy or daddy to get it checked out. Usually a quick kiss will take care of it, and then he happily goes right back to whatever he was doing.
Crying is our first language. As babies, we cried to let our parents know when we were scared, or hungry, or tired. It was our way of saying, “I need help right now!”
Crying has two purposes: 1) to announce that something hurts, and 2) to release the pain of whatever hurts. I don’t know the psychology behind it, but I do know that after he cries, my son is always in a great mood. Crying is a natural release for him.
Somehow, as we grew into adults, we forgot the secret of crying. We were taught that “crying is for babies” and that it is important to keep our emotions inside. So, instead of learning to release our pain through crying, we are taught to numb it through drugs, self-torture, and silent suffering.
This is what we have lost as adults. We are afraid to cry, and even when we do break down and actually shed some tears, we are overcome with anxiety because we “showed weakness.”
That’s a complete lie. Crying is not a sign of weakness. I don’t look down on my son because he cries when he is hurt. When he cries, it serves as a signal between us that he is hurting, and that’s all. He isn’t weak for asking me for help or comfort.
I can’t figure out where this went wrong. Adults, particularly men, can’t seem to cry. This is a terrible tragedy. Somehow one of our most valuable and powerful coping skills has been stolen from us.
This isn’t right. Crying is healthy, and it is the single best thing that we can do to relieve stress, anger or sadness. In this article, I want to help you remember your very first skill. I’m going to try to teach you how to cry again.
Own Your Pain
The first step to learning how to cry is to own and accept your pain. This sounds complicated, but it is really a simple idea.
In my article, What To Do When It Hurts I spoke about the importance of “thinking through” what hurts you. What this means is that it is good to think about your pain and figure out why you are hurting so badly.
I find that writing works best for me when I need to work through some pain. It might work for you as well, or it might help you to take a long walk or talk to a close friend. The important thing is to discover and understand why you are hurting.
This will be a painful process, and you might find that once you discover the core of your pain, you will begin crying all on your own. (I did.) Just remember to be gentle with yourself, and when the tears come, just let it all out. It’s for the best.
Watch Old Yeller
For Canadians (and I guess, Americans) of a certain generation, the ending of the Disney movie “Old Yeller” is probably one of our saddest memories. Even thinking about it right now, I feel myself getting a bit teary-eyed. I’m sure that if I went and watched the movie, I’d be blubbering away just like I did the first time I watched it over 25 years ago.
Sometimes it takes a trigger to make us cry. This seems to be especially true of men. We hold it in until the pain becomes unbearable, then we watch Old Yeller, or see Bambi’s mom get killed, and out it comes. The tears come so quickly that sometimes it takes all our strength to hold them in. How much easier it would be to just allow ourselves to cry.
So let’s try an experiment. Here’s what I want you to do. Get a copy of a sad movie like Old Yeller, or Bambi, or even just go over to Youtube and watch this video. (and remember to donate to your local animal shelter). Whatever you decide to watch, try to watch it alone, and in a place where you won’t be disturbed. When you feel the first signs that you are going to cry (tightness in your throat or tears in your eyes), try to allow yourself to cry. Don’t try to force it, and don’t try to fight it. Just allow the emotion to emerge from within you.
Don’t be surprised if the first time you allow yourself to cry that you feel like you are losing control. If you are like most adults, you have been bottling up a lot of emotions, and the first time that you cry, these emotions will want to come out. Just let it happen. It will hurt like hell for a while, but you will eventually find, as you naturally stop crying (which can take from 10 - 20 minutes, or even longer) that you feel a lot better.
Boys Don’t Cry
If exploring your pain or using triggers such as Old Yeller don’t help you start crying, then your internal barriers may be higher than you thought. In this case it helps to be persistent, especially with the “exploration” of your feelings.
However, if you try these things, and you are still unable to cry, it might be worthwhile to explore why you can’t release those emotions. Personally, I don’t buy into the “boys don’t cry” rule, so don’t fall into the trap of saying that men don’t cry. Even the very strongest men cry all the time. They may be discrete about it, but you can bet that they have learned to cry.
Historically, men have been free to cry. The idea that men shouldn’t been seen crying is really a 20th century creation, largely created by movies and warped ideas of male heroism. You can buy into this distorted idea of what make a man if you want to, but I personally feel that a man who has the strength to admit and accept his emotions is a much stronger hero than anything that Hollywood has ever produced.
Bring Some Kleenex
I hope that this article has helped you learn to break through the barriers that were keeping you from crying. The first few times you cry will be pretty rough, but in time, crying will become an important part of your natural healing process. It hurts to cry, but it’s over quickly, and it always makes you feel better afterwards.
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jennifer responds:
Posted: May 2nd, 2007 at 5:04 pm →
Excellent post Scott!
Thanks for this…
Jen
Corinne Edwards responds:
Posted: November 23rd, 2007 at 4:00 pm →
When I was growing up, it was definitely a time of “Big boys don’t cry.”
There is another one that both girls and boys heard from our parents. “Stop crying! There’s nothing to cry about!” Really? Sometimes there was. We are still waiting to cry.
I think things have changed. My boys cried and I just let them. They are all pretty tender hearted and I am proud of that.
An added benefit is that I think women are very touched if a man is able to cry. (As long as it is not all the time!) Good luck with the show!
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: November 24th, 2007 at 3:17 pm →
Hi Corinne and thanks for writing.
Things have definitely changed for the better, although I think the stigma against crying still remains for some people. I have worked with people who deal with sexually abused children, and believe me, they all, men and women, cry when they feel the need. Sometimes there is definitely something to cry about. Otherwise you go crazy.
I like the phrase you used; tender-hearted. It used to mean “emotionally balanced,” I.E., someone who wasn’t afraid to show pain or share pain. Too bad that now it has such an twisted meaning. But like you said, things are changing.
Keith responds:
Posted: February 16th, 2008 at 4:15 pm →
I read crying releases chemicals in your body that numbs the pain. I can still get a tear happening with a movie and it doesn’t have to be sad it can be tears of joy too. Like when Jimmy Stewart came home in that movie its a wonderful life. But for the life of me can I cry over pain and I would if I could lol
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: February 18th, 2008 at 9:46 am →
Keith,
It’s a Wonderful Life is my favorite movie! I still get misted up during that scene and I’ve seen that movie dozens of times.
Crying does something good for you, that’s for sure. I don’t know if it’s chemical or not, but it leaves you feeling refreshed.
Scott
yerb responds:
Posted: March 16th, 2008 at 9:26 am →
Hello,
Nice post.. And i found it just at the right time.. the time when I needed to let go and cry.
It was the time for me to let it go when emotion built up, but i have a little problem. I am 30 years old and I can’t really remember when was the last time when I had sincerely cried and let go. There would be a tear in my eye from time to time, but it never progressed to the next level of letting go. It feels like something is holding my burst of emotions back.
I was watching this movie “The Power of One” (1992) and at first it was nothing special to me. But now I see this movie as a very special one and the one who made a difference in my life. I couldn’t believe how much emotion it triggered within me. This stiff feeling of almost crying was coming up again and again throughout the whole movie. I was amazed on how much of this emotion that I hold within me has to get out. Well like I said I couldn’t cry, and this emotion was boiling inside me and starting to really becoming painful. As I didn’t know how to help myself I just started searching the web for some answers which could explain my condition.
I found this article and started reading it… and as the stage was already set for my crying I just needed the final trigger to do it. As I was going trough the text the words and meanings just started filling the gap of everything that I was feeling. I slowly begun to cry and a tear here, a tear there paved the way for my final all out crying!!! WOW I couldn’t believe it… I was finally raining tears all over the place.
It seems that as a little boy I was hiding a lot of pain and remained silent about it. This movie was exactly a story of a little boy who was experiencing something similar that I had to go trough in my very young age. It was not as severe as the movie but no matter how small of a problem it can leave great pain inside us. Now I am free to let go of my painful emotion whenever I need to do so.
Thank you Scott for this nice article. The right cure at the right time.
Yerb
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: March 16th, 2008 at 7:55 pm →
Hi Yerb, thanks for writing in. I’m glad to hear that the article helped you. Doesn’t that first cry feel great?
branden responds:
Posted: March 28th, 2008 at 10:36 pm →
Thanks for writing this great article as a child i remember being able to cry however when I got into my late teens I somehow lost this ability and found myself quite frustrated with this lack of an emotional outlet. After much work I have managed to regain this outlet and can once again
release tears of joy, or pain when necessary . So from the bottom of my heart thank-you !!!
Eric responds:
Posted: May 2nd, 2008 at 12:51 pm →
All of this is logical, and desireable, and I WANT to be able to cry; but it is still a challenge for me to find the key to get over the first hump. I have heard of people ( men) who have “worked” on this for a year before they were able to let themselves cry. I guess I’m looking for what that “work” is. I’ve tried thinking about sad things but I spend so much time rationalizing away why they shouldn’t be sad…blah blah.
In my case, I can think of three things in the last couple of years that have brought me to sobbing, really. The end of saving Private Ryan; the end of the Tuskeegee Airman movie; and more recently an interview with the columnist who will be portrayed (by Rob Lowe) in the upcoming movie “The Soloist,” (also starring Jamie Foxx). All of these seem to be about unsung hero’s, so I would suppose in my case there is a clue to an unresolved past. And as healthy as I appear, I know there is a past I haven’t sufficiently dealt with, and I would think enabling myself to feel could get me there (therapy hasn’t) And crying might be one way to “enable feeling.”
But I struggle with finding the key to the work that I need to do…
Jack responds:
Posted: May 5th, 2008 at 4:19 pm →
Sterotyping crying as presenting a weakness in oneself is probably, I feel one of the worst traits of the 21st Century. I may not be as mature as the others here (15 years old), but I feel strongly on the subject. Since I was 5 I haven’t been able to properly cry since it is “wrong” and in the new world “gay”. The last time I cried was 2 years ago when my granddad went in for serious heart surgery, but that was only briefly and not enough to let all my emotions out. Since then lots has happened in my life which has built up my inner feelings. However, no mater what I can’t cry anymore - if I feel like I need to it can’t happen. The world today has sectioned off crying, especially with people my age, so I have a shield so to speak around my feelings preventing them from being released. Especially since I have so many emotions waiting to be released, this is seriously an issue. I don’t know what the purpose of me posting here was, I just feel that I needed to express my current feelings in one form or another.
Drew responds:
Posted: May 6th, 2008 at 3:04 am →
Thanks so much for this post….I really needed to cry and your words helped. Your so right about the trigger. Most people know what there trigger is…You know it when you feel that lump in your throat and try to fight back. I think the trick for people that can’t seem to cry is not being scared of the pain when it comes. Yes it will hurt, but holding back and repressing it will over time hurt worse and do more damage. Maybe put aside a time and place where you feel really comfortable and produce a trigger and just pull that baby. Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful words on this topic.
Emma-Jane Ainslie responds:
Posted: May 9th, 2008 at 7:54 am →
My grandmother always stood by this: “Men die younger because they don’t cry”
Do not pent up emotions. Go for it - once a month, think of something really sad (like bambi’s mother being shot down in her prime), wobble your chin and let it all out. Why? It feels good to release the negative. If you are shy, wait until the house is empty! You don’t need to admit you do this to your mates…only you need know and you’ll be a better person for it.
I stand by this and am not an emotional cripple. My brother cries and he’s emotionally available. My father nerver cried and is an emotional failure as a husband and father. Do the math.
Emma-Jane Ainslie responds:
Posted: May 9th, 2008 at 8:02 am →
Message to ‘Jack’
At 15 years old you are more in tune with who you are than most ‘grown ups’ I know.
The ability to cry will come back to you at some point so don’t worry. You sound like a strong young man actually!
People say crying is ‘gay’. Well my brother who I have mentioned in my other response is a 6ft 5in built like a tank 33 year old…he cries. SO? Shall we assume he is gay? Nah. He just doesn’t believe in all the naff advice and teachings my emotionally crippled father tried to give him. And my brother is FAR FAR FAR the better man of the 2.
Go on, when you are on your own watch Bambi/Watership Down/Rolf harris Animal Hospital Christmas Special. Those tears will roll. And if not - so?
x
Jack responds:
Posted: June 1st, 2008 at 12:34 pm →
Thanks you Emma-Jane Ainslie
ptr » Tidbit: Do You Cry? responds:
Posted: June 27th, 2008 at 12:45 pm →
[...] come from the United States or whether they come from The Empire. For example, consider this: Historically, men have been free to cry. The idea that men shouldn’t been seen crying is really a 20th century creation, largely created [...]
Ken responds:
Posted: July 7th, 2008 at 11:32 am →
I found this link accidentally hoping it would be of help. I feel great sincerity in the words of those who posted but none lead me to a path of letting go and being able to cry. My case is extreme and no doubt part of my personality by now as I am very much an adult male. I too fell into the big boys don’t cry generation. It worked so well that I have not cried - not even a tear in the corner of my eye - for over 30 years. The saddest of movies that make everyone else cry don’t produce tears in me. I loved my mother and father deeply but could not cry at their death or their funeral. It’s been over 10 years since both died and I still have yet to shed a tear. I’ve lost beloved pets and felt great pain but the feelings of loss just do not induce crying. Somehow, I “absorb” it internally. As you might expect, I deal with anxiety and depression as well but nothing serious. All I can attribute it to is some kind of aberrant personality disorder or type. I really wish I could cry. I thank God that some of the rest of you have found relief.
Ken
Ken responds:
Posted: July 7th, 2008 at 11:35 am →
Meant to add that the U tube video that Scott recommended is not longer on the site due to abuse of some kind.
Pete responds:
Posted: July 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am →
Great article. I am 21 and have just recently learned how to cry again and it is a big release.
Ken, I hope I can be of help here. This is how I cry and it works, but you have to really try. There’s a quiet spot I go and sit where no-one can see me. I too feel sometimes that I just can’t cry and there’s no way of letting it out, but if you persevere the tears will come. The trick is letting yourself FEEL THE PAIN. That is the only way of getting through it. Just sit and feel the pain in your nerves and as you feel it think of your mother and father. Don’t rationalize your feelings, just stay with the pain. As you feel it, breath in and out and let the pain go.
Ammari responds:
Posted: August 16th, 2008 at 7:48 pm →
Hey Ken,
I think that if you spend some time around some people who you know cry a lot and don’t have a problem letting out some emotions will help… I think that if you spend time around some genuinely hurt people maybe like those who have been sexually abuse or have had deep pain like that of a lost one and you take that time and comfort them that it will deeply move you in your heart and you will eventually cry. I mean yeah i know that its a lot to do but i think that in your case that this hands on activity will get your tears flowing.
I hope that this really helped,
*~Ammari~*