Disclosure Series Part 2: How I Overcame My Fear of Talking About My Mental Illness
“I Have To Tell You Something”
This was how I started. I was sitting in a bar with a friend of mine, and I was about to tell him about my experiences with depression and child abuse. I had already gone “semi-public” with my story, as I had spoken to therapists, the police, my family and a few other people, but this was the first time that I was speaking to a friend about it.
I was scared half to death. Even though I had been through years of therapy, and I had spent hours in police interviews, I was terrified that my friend would not believe me, or that he would laugh at me when I told him about what I had been going through.
But, despite those fears, I told him anyway, and he didn’t laugh at me. I actually don’t remember what he did say, because most of the evening is still a blur, but I do remember that I felt much better after I told him.
After I spoke to my friend, I began to talk to other people about my abuse and struggle with depression, and I found that the more people I told, the less frightening it got. Today, I can talk openly about both subjects with complete strangers, and although I still feel a little twinge of fear now and then, my fears of disclosure are mainly gone.
So how did I get to this point? Let me start 4 years ago, just after my diagnosis with depression.
Reality Check
When I received my “official” diagnosis of depression, it was a huge reality check for me. Up until my diagnosis, I knew that there was something wrong with me, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. So I just chalked it up to fatigue and went on ignoring my symptoms.
After I was diagnosed, I could no longer avoid the truth. I had depression. It wasn’t something that I could run away from, or fight against. It was there, and it was going to stay there until I did something about it.
But first, I needed help.
This was my first step in overcoming my fears. I needed help for depression. That was obvious; I had no idea how to treat depression on my own, and I was slipping fast into deeper and deeper cycles. Without help, the depression would eventually kill me.
So, I decided to call someone for help. My first call was to an Employee Assistance Program offered by my company. It is still the most difficult call that I have had to make in my life. The agent asked me what was wrong, and I told her “I have been diagnosed with depression.”
Pow. Just like that. My secret was out.
Well, not really. EAPs are protected by very strict confidentiality rules, so my secret wasn’t “out,” but it sure felt that way to me at the time. The agent set up an appointment for me with a therapist, and then she said something that I will remember for the rest of my life. She said,
“Everything will be ok. We’re here to help.”
At the time, I said something like, “Yeah right” and hung up the phone. I didn’t believe her. Everything was most definitely not all right. I had depression! I was officially a “Crazy Person.”
However, I kept hearing that message. My first therapist said it to me in our first meeting. My doctor said it to me during my many visits to his office. My wife said it to me when I was struggling at the lowest points. Everyone kept repeating that same line.
Eventually, as my therapy progressed, I became more and more comfortable discussing my depression with other people. I joined a couple of online support communities and talked (anonymously) with other sufferers. I began to talk more openly with my therapists and my doctor about my feelings and my recovery. After my abuse memories resurfaced, I began to talk to the police and other agencies and to my family. And now I’m here talking to you.
Overcoming fear is not easy, but it can be done. Here are a few of the things that I learned during my recovery:
Own Your Fear
You will hear people say that fear is only an emotion. This is not entirely true. Yes, fear is an emotion, but it is also a physical response by your body. That is why you get the shakes and a cold sweat when you are scared. The first thing that you need to do to manage fear is accept it. You can’t stop your body from responding to fear, so when you feel fear coming on, accept that it is a natural response to something that you are perceiving as a threat.
This is what I mean by “owning your fear.” Don’t be ashamed if you are scared. Everyone gets scared. I am a child sexual abuse victim. I know scared. If you find that something scares you, don’t waste your time trying to avoid or ignore the fear, but try instead to understand why you are scared. (Don’t try this if you are scared because you are standing in the middle of the street and a bus is coming at you. In that case, don’t think, just jump out of the way. 
) By understanding what is causing your fears, you will be better prepared to deal with them.
People Will Make Fun of You
Lets face facts. Mental illnesses are still a joke to many people, and there will be people who will ridicule you if you tell them about your mental illness. This might not happen to you, but there is a chance that it will. You might also face harassment and discrimination, especially if you are living in an area where mental illness is not understood.
I don’t know if there is anything that I can say that will change this. Advocates are working to educate the public on the realities of mental illness, but old habits die hard. If you are thinking of telling people about your mental illness, be very careful about who you tell until you have enough confidence that you won’t be as affected if someone makes fun of you.
If people do laugh at your or ridicule you for your mental illness, try to remember that they are doing so out of spite and ignorance. Their laughter doesn’t change the fact that you are very brave for talking about your mental illness.
Take Your Time
I took my disclosure VERY SLOWLY. I disclosed over a period of 4 years, and that was during some pretty intense therapy. Yes, I am completely public and run a website now, but that is after a lot of work and a lot of time.
When you start to tell people about your mental illness, take your time. There is no need to rush out and tell people, and in fact, if you go too quickly you will probably end up hurting yourself. Think very carefully about what you want to say, and who you want to say it to. Think about how you will protect yourself.
Protect Yourself
This is extremely important. When you tell other people about your mental illness, especially the first few times that you talk about it, you will be vulnerable. Before you begin disclosing, it is a very good idea to take measures to protect yourself. For example, establish a “safe place” where you can go after you disclose, such as a safe room or a place where you feel comfortable. Have someone ready as a “lifeline” so you can call them if things go wrong. And most importantly, make sure that the person you are telling is somebody that you can trust.
Other good ideas are to make sure that you are in a safe location when you disclose (driving down the highway is not a safe location), use relaxation techniques before and after you disclose, and to practice your disclosure by yourself before you talk to the other person.
Understand the Other Person
It is a good idea to understand the person to whom you are disclosing. By understanding them I mean you should try to consider how they will react when you tell them and what, if anything you want them to say or do. For example, if you disclose to your doctor, they will probably react in a very supportive way, but they will also want to know if you need their professional help. It is especially important to consider whether the person’s reaction will be negative. It can be very traumatic if someone responds negatively when you tell them about your mental illness, so give careful thought to how they will react.
Be VERY Careful Who You Tell
I will deal with this topic in more detail in Part 3 of this series, but I want to mention it here as well. Be extremely careful who you tell, especially when you are first starting to tell people about your condition. Make sure they are people that you can trust, and who you can be sure will support you.
The Only Thing We Have to Fear…
I hope these tips help you overcome or at least manage your fears over telling other people about your mental illness. Fear can be very difficult to overcome, but with some work and a bit of courage, it can be done.
If you are still afraid of telling other people about your mental illness, I’d like to share a statistic with you. According to the US National Institute for Mental Health, 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental condition or a mood disorder at some point in their lives. Think about that for a minute. That’s a huge percentage of people. There are around 6 1/2 billion people alive in the world right now, so that means that 1.6 billion of them will experience mental illness at some point in their lives.
Fear is normal, and if thinking about telling other people about your mental illness makes you scared, you are not alone. There are 1.6 billion other people who at some point in their lives will be in exactly the same place that you are right now. You are not alone.
Tomorrow in Part 3 of this series, Who Should You Tell About Your Mental Illness?, I will discuss who you should tell about your mental illness, and I will also talk about specific issues such as disclosing to your family and disclosing at work.
Courage Depression Health Life Mental Health Relationships
pmt responds:
Posted: July 30th, 2007 at 5:02 am →
I WANT 2 B THE LUCKY FIRST-POSTED-COMMENT…I TOO SHARE THE OPINION OF DISCLOSING SOME THINGS WE UNDERGO 2 THE RIGHT PERSONS (ATLEAST THEM)…DEFINITELY MENTAL PAIN IS HARSHER,JUST B’COZ IT S PHYSICALLY INVISIBLE AND IT S INTENSITY SCALES AND INTERPERSONAL COMPARISONS R LESS KNOWN….