Link: The Other Side of the Mirror - Catching a Darkness
Bipolar Disorder is a very frustrating and terrifying illness. People with bipolar can feel terrifyingly out of control, and even with medication, bipolar people rarely feel “normal.”
Because bipolar disorder can make such a mess of your emotions and your mind, it is very difficult for people with bipolar to express their fears and frustrations, and even more difficult for their friends and family to understand them. Bipolar disorder is one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses, and bipolar sufferers can end up tragically marginalized by society.
Boris Donlin’s photo essay “Catching a Darkness” tells the story of his sister’s struggle with bipolar disorder, which ended tragically in suicide. It is a touching and sometimes terrifying look into one woman’s struggle with this illness, from the perspective of her baby brother.
There are two pictures in Catching a Darkness that I can’t get out of my head. The first one is an old picture of Jessica holding Boris when he was just a newborn, and the second is a picture that Boris took of Jessica’s vest and hat hanging on a chair in her bedroom. Both pictures speak of the child-like innocence and love that Boris and his sister shared, and the enormous loss that he felt when she died.
Enough from me. Catching a Darkness is worth seeing, and in my opinion is one of the best expressions of the anguish and frustration that bipolar disorder can cause both sufferers and their families. It is a work of love.
See it here: Catching a Darkness
Bipolar Disorder General News
Deb responds:
Posted: February 28th, 2007 at 10:10 pm →
I found your blog through a link at Sylvia’s Journal and I have 2 comments.
1) Sometimes it is hard to figure out who suffers more the person with Bipolar Disorder or the person who loves them. At least the person with the diagnosis can legitimately demand helps; but the caregivers often are on their own or they are blamed for what is happening to their loved one either by the system or by ignorant bystanders.
2) I took a tour of your full site and can identify with much of what is found here. Maybe I will share privately some day, but the process of putting it down requires a large investment of energy and reading all of this has taken a toll.
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: February 28th, 2007 at 10:18 pm →
Hi Deb,
Thanks for dropping by. I agree that bipolar seems to extract an especially heavy price on not only sufferers but their families. I think that the constant changes in mood/activity and the whole “what’s next?” aspect of bipolar really causes a lot of stress. One BP friend of mine described it like this: “The depressed stage scares me to death, and the manic stage scares everyone around me to death.”
Jilly responds:
Posted: March 7th, 2007 at 1:02 pm →
No matter how sophisticated we pretend to be as a society, people with bipolar are still scorned and vilified for what amounts to, often, involuntary behavior. And that just sucks for everyone. Not only can you not trust yourself, no one else can trust you either. The extent of this distrust is fluid, and managing the comprehension of mistrust makes the bipolar person less authentic and ultimately less worthy of trust. How I wish I could just honestly say how wavy I feel, how tenuous and unbound but for sheer force of will and Seroquel.
But the fear that honesty would unleash would inflict uncertainty on loved ones who need it badly, so I muddle through trying to disguise that I really have two speeds and neither one is medium.
I’ve battled this, and all its attending ills of self-medication for how long? 30 years? More? I’m not even sure anymore. In fact, I’m never sure what is bipolar and what is character malformation. How much can I really WILL myself to do while retaining any shred of my authentic self?
“Catching the Darkness” was poignant. And I hurt for her parents and brother and her her her her. No matter how fucked up it is to love someone with bipolar, how can it be worse than knowing your mind can and will betray your best intentions, your most sacred vows, in a heartbeat? Then, not only do you have this shifty mind, you’ve got to live with that shifty mind in a life in which the normal respect afforded basic everyday people is outside your reach, when you really do see with incredibly eloquent clarity how much you’ve hurt those sweet people–and fuck intentions–our actions are on our permanent record, and somehow the two bear precious little resemblance.
I’m not manic, and not morosely depressed, but my coping mechanisms these days would not pass anyone’s smell test. But it’s gotten me through the morning. Guess I’ll go for the afternoon.
How could an “all-loving” deity visit such torment on my tortured little posse?
Scott Davis responds:
Posted: March 7th, 2007 at 11:11 pm →
Jilly,
There is nothing I can say that will improve on such a beautifully-written and eloquent statement, except thank you so much for sharing it. I am humbled.
Fran responds:
Posted: March 30th, 2007 at 7:04 pm →
Wow. Thank you for expressing this so eloquently.
I live each day appreciating how truly blessed I am to have found a psychiatrist who got me on the right meds within 6 months of my diagnosis. Of course, the bad news is that I ran around unmedicated for probably 20 years, and I didn’t get the diagnosis until my mania had almost cost me my family and my job. And how I did hurt those sweet people in my life. I can tell myself forever that I was manic and out of my mind, but I still have to look at those people and know the agony that I put them through.
I can look forward to my future. It’s my past that I’m not sure I can handle.
anonymous responds:
Posted: October 17th, 2007 at 8:20 pm →
I am Bipolar I and lost my sanity, my job and the love of my life all at the same time. A three month delusion ending in three hospitalizations and a diagnosis will do that for you.
Many of the things I said and did were hurtful. I probably won’t ever get my lady back. She won’t even speak to me. I can’t say I really blame her either. Were I counseling her and she related the story of our breakup, I would tell her to steer clear myself. Finding out I was bipolar helped me to deal with the hurt I caused, but doesn’t undo that which is past. It would be a big risk on her part to get mixed back up with me on the promise that medication will help, who could be a good friend and suggest that she give me a ring.
So, yes it sucks to be Bipolar, and it sucks to love one. The main thing in the misguided other’s favor is that they can move on. Those who fall in love with the 1% with this stone to bear are not stuck here. They never experience the gray cerebral hell of everyone else being inscrutable, and not knowing if what one says or does will be the right thing. Ever. They can journey back to the light. We cannot.
Ash